I come here to blog and ask for your prayers, again. This Lent has been one of much offering up for us. I can only pray it will get better. The usual issues as before , the military has not paid Ryan's INCAP for 3 months. I have done all I can emailing calling his SFC and FINALLY reached him yesterday.
I had been emailed last week saying the INCAP pay was submitted. However I was told otherwise.
The original issue before was partly ryan not as usual getting paperwork in on time. And also his unit moved and did not update him.
And the big reason, the head person for the NG state finance suddenly died last month. Why yes this is tragic and I pray for her family. I am really upset and shocked the florida ng did not have a back up plan. SO I waited for the transition. ONly to be told yesterday that the guy that took over ryans case wants to review ALL three months of the documents before he submits it. His SFC told him that I NEED that pay. SO it looks like we wont be getting pay until early May (if I am lucky) so in the mean time try telling utility companies that you can not pay. Not to mention I have 5 bucks to my name!
I have had a few doula clients, but not all pay on time and ask for me to let them pay half etc. And me being the giving person I am , I do allow it. However my teens (one in particular ) are mad at me. They think I do much for free or low cost. I do free photo shoots (or extra at births) spending hours editing. I know I need to run my business like a business I guess. Sigh, I just want to "do unto others" and 'Love one another" as God asks.
It is Easter Sunday soon and for the first time ever as a mother I will not have Easter baskets for my kids let alone new Easter clothes Yea I know that is not as big a deal as the fact I can not buy groceries either.
I feel like I am stupid . I go around telling everyone , Trust, it will be ok , God has and will provide for us. Tonight I am lacking that trust, Lord forgive me. I am tired of living like this. My kids are so sick of this 'lifestyle' of me rationing out food. They ask me daily why? I tell them we have it WAY better than many others in this world. But telling your teens that well it does not get a great response. Plus my van is leaking oil, the front tires need replacing again because it is out of alignment again and my ABS brake light is on.
I watched The Passion of Christ tonight as I try to every Good Friday to remind me that MY suffering is NOTHING compared to Jesus, and to the Blessed Mother watching her son be beaten and scurged ...But I am human, I am a mother. That just wants to be able to give her kids simple things that I can not.
Dear Lord what do you want me to do with my life?
