Reality and trying to face the future

Like before with my updates of life with living with someone with PTSD and a TBI I find myself coming here then posting something else. I am trying so hard to keep my faith and be positive. Im having one of those difficult days. So feel free to not read what I feel today.
Last friday I went with ryan to a phsychology appt to see Dr Freund the one that wrote Taming the Fire Within. He has seen her one ot two times. But when he moved to Kansas that stopped. She seems pretty good and nice. Hearing her validate what I know made me feel so sad.Then to hear her go on and explain how he needs meds etc was difficult. Hearing her say it wont get better over night or even weeks just made me feel so sick. I still do not know what to think or say . I just want to wake up from all this crap and it be a bad dream . I want to go back a few years to when I felt loved by my husband. Before the deployment before AIT.
DR F explained things I knew already. I asked questions. But nothing helps. Im suppose to make my kids understand all this. I am suppose to tell kids that daddy feels this or that. I HAVE over and over. I explain to them as best I can. They still dont get it. I dont get it. I just want to shake him and say snap out of it! HE has been back for two weeks. Jobless, and slipping into a deeper depression. He does what he can around the house , I guess, having him here is honestly too much on me and the kids. Its MORE work. I cant leave the kids in his care. He sits around alot. Unmotivated and some of the kids follow that lead. It is downright depressing. But I can not allow my self to swim in self pitty. Yes I am exhausted, I nurse several times a night. I love sleeping with my baby. Dont think I dont. I still feel like i am a single parent. I envy my friends whose blogs I read about their loving supportive husbands that are the true spiritual leaders of the family . Who love their wives and children. Seeing pictures of the dads playing with their children make me sad. I am happy for them.
I am suppose to BE like them. We are suppose to be a happy loving attached catholic family. I want that back. We have been robbed. I do not feel I will ever get that back.

Depression really does hurt everyone. I use to laugh WITH ryan when we saw those depression ads. He would make fun of those people. I have given birth to 6 children. And never had Postpartum depression. I did however have panic attacks when I was pregnant with Sebastian but was not aware of it. I remember one night I was so upset and sick crying over the toilet about something ryan had done. I remember him standing over me saying I was pathetic and was doing this to myself. He was not very compassionate (keep in mind this was after he went thru basic)

 Sure after Sebastian it was touch and go and I will admit when he deployed I laid in bed a LOT...but I was also nursing a infant,,,after a few months I pulled myself out of it. I HAD to for my children. It was very hard. But I eat very healthy. I used homeopathics and lots of prayers.
But ryan is different . He does not care about anyone or anthing. He eats like crap. It is like he is hoping to die. He has started the meds...I was told willl take 4-6 weeks to see a difference....and that may not work. I   can not handle that much more. IT may take years...Yet he may never be the same. I live with a stranger. A moody one at that. I have said a few not so nice things to him Im not proud of that. Nothing like what he said to me whenI suffered panic attacks. But I am angry! I can not help it. Sadly that anger shows a LOT lately. I am trying very hard not to let it show. But I am faced with the fact I may have to find a job becasue he is not trying very hard IMO. I just dont know what to do anymore.

Sadly there are SO many soldiers and veterans just like he is. SCARY. No wonder the unemployment rate is so high in the US.

I think I will post a few pictures of before the deployment and now....see if you see the difference in him....

As you read my blog you may hear music from my playlist. The song Lead me by Sanctus Real is exactly how I feel. It has become MY theme song. google it or look on youtube at the video. I keep praying deep down i will get that happy ending....


This was after Christmas Eve Mass this year:

This was 2011

This was 2010

This was 2009 Just before he deployed

This was May 2008 when he graduated from BT. THis was the last time we felt connected as a family . Look at his face and eyes in each photo.

Update on Ryan's 'mystery' wounds

Well Ryan went the VA urgent care and saw a Dr. Who then sent him directly to a dermatologist. They did not know what the wounds on his legs were. So they biopsied them.
He got a call the other day and was told he has "allergic dermatitis" due to poor circulation...I looked at him and was like bullcrap! Are you kidding me?! He shrugged it off.
I think they are very wrong and so does he. I am unsure what to do right now. Much to ponder about. They did send him some cream for it...FULL of chemicals...Here are more pics of it....like before it changes almost daily....

Christmas eve ....not what we needed

But I'm not referring to the birth of our Savior Jesus . Christmass eve 2011 will be one we won't forget just like the rest of 2011....let's just say thank God I love my children unconditionally...and very thankful no one got hurt.


I took Ansely out driving in the neighborhood . She did creep into the driveway and even stopped. After that not sure what she did except she drive thru the garage door . It has to be replaced . Ryan managed to secure it until we can. It will cost around 1000 bucks. Not good. With no job in sight...

Christmas Ornament Art , part 2

After the others got home they wanted to make ornaments. The ones I had for them are for older children....Something I won't dare bring out with the 2 yo awake...Here are a few...I need to upload more another time ....

Art with Felicity

One night just me and felicity made a few ornaments...for our Christmas tree that we still need to get....the baby was sleeping and the others went somewhere. Here are few pics from my phone ....

Advent , Art and more

So I think I need to get back to some positive posts and share what I have been doing so far during Advent with my children.

We celebrated the feast of Saint Nicholas by leaving shoes out to have a treat left.

 My first three early risers.....

I also really wanted to do a Jesse Tree this year. So with Ansely's help I stayed up till 2 am and made the ornaments....

I bought a purple little tree for advent. And each day we hang an ornament with scripture and we read and talk about it.

 I set up a little table with my manger scene and prayer books.... Believe me it doesnt look like this long. Felicity LOVES to play with it. The cats  destroy the tree every night. And my poor ornaments are getting destroyed by the kittys! I have not done a good job keeping up with the readings....But I am trying....

I already had a my advent wreath set up. HIGH. I had ordered a new one this year and it was two weeks into advent when it arrived. It is a candle chandalier! These are the first photos of it with artificial greenery. I JUST replaced it today with real greenery from our Christmas tree we just got...and No its not up and decorated yet,,

Update, and Jobless

It has been a long emotional week. I find myself coming to my blog unsure of what to write. Not that I do not have much to say I have so much I could say.
A year ago this week Ryan was returning from Iraq . We were all so happy he was coming home. Today I find myself not wanting him back here. As I posted lately things have been awful. He came back from Kansas after the job he left for in October fell they or whatever really happened. He did have the offer to work on the steel framing crew and earn the same great pay. But he basically got PO (his words) and said no and left.
I told him to go to Adoration and ask God what he should do. But like before he did not. He took the job even though I cried and begged him not to because my instincts were it was wrong. He calls asking what he should do and I told him to pray about it.

So now I sit here nursing and blogging from my phone because he is on the computer looking for a job. The job he had at the dr office is not available so he says...
I am trying very hard not to bash him he is my husband but I need to state the truth . Having him back should be a happy time . It's advent ! But the past few days have been filled with stress and anger. I bite my tongue a lot and offer it up. But I can't sit silently all the time . It's just not me.
God reveals a lot to me when I least expect it. Like the other day his back pack was in the closet open the baby had pulled some papers out. I went to put them back but I read it was from a bank . He had opened a checking account in Kansas. It was done secretly . I won't blog details . But he had recently lied to me about his pay and turned out he had as I had worried had some of his pay deposited into that account. He has spent a lot of money and I don't know where. I know by his big weight gain he has been eating out a lot.
This constant dishonestly and lack of respect are just so hurtful. To have your husband act and treat you as he does is so numbing. There is no trust. I can't talk to him . He is like Jekyll and Hyde. I had called the va again left. Long message with his TBI liaison and she never called me back.
I have tried to get him help . The system fails. And I know I'm not alone. This is one reason I blog about all our issues in hope of helping others in my situation. I feel very alone. Yea I pray I know God is there but sometimes you need to talk to a person face to face. .
I love the friends I have but I feel they are tired of hearing my ongoing struggles. That and they are busy with their families . So I pretty much am on my own , with God and my children.

Jobless?? Trusting God

SO ryan flew out to kansas back to his job yesterday...HE called several times, odd for him given he was home two weeks and hardly had a conversation with me. I talked to him briefly last night and he was suppose to call back. I txt never heard back. I txt this morning and called... No reply. Finally my persistant tatiana got him to answer the phone...
After a few minutes of talking he tells me he had been talking to some people, work related. SO he tells me that it looks he will be back here soon. Apparently his position the 'higher ups' want someone there at all times. Him flying back and forth for army drill wont be acceptable... OK they KNEW that he was in the National Guard before he was hired! They basically have told him he can be a framer and still be paid the same because they need him in kansas....He wil be paid severance etc.... sonow he has t decide if he wants to come back here this week or stay and work a few weeks.

He may have the option of returning to his nurse job, but it is NOT what he wants and the pay is horrible compared to what he is getting. If you read back to my previous post about when he left you will understand Being Honest and a few other posts after that.
I am in shock. Is this a blessing in disguise? God's will be done. I am SO trying to TRUST in Him. But it is so hard. Will he be jobless? Please pray for us! My teens are scared of being broke again. Because we have finally been doing ok . We are scared because ryan is not well and when he is here its fighting and meanness. But then as I said before we can not help him with him living there. Again I find myself REALLY having to TRUST...

"Letter to your future spouse"

I thought it would be a good idea to post a outline of a idea that we first learned about several years ago. IT is something I wish I knew about and had done. I know my oldest has done this....It is a "Letter to your future Spouse" (husband or wife).
I pray as often as I think of (should be everyday I know) for the future spouses of my children (if they are called to married life).

At the end is information on how to order a brochure if you want to tuck one away for your little ones..

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND


by Mary Beth Bonacci


Even though I don't know exactly who you'll be yet, I think of you often.



I wonder how you're living your life now. It matters to me, you know,



because how you live your life now determines the kind of man you're



becomin...and the kind of man I'll spend the rest of my life with.







Apparently, for some bizarre reason, manhood doesn't come automatically



for males. Some guys seem to spend their entire lives trying to "prove



their manhood"--by hunting, playing sports, driving fast...and,



unfortunately, by having sex. It seems rather strange to us women that



guys think having sex proves you're a man. To us, it just proves that



they've reached puberty. And we don't really consider that, in itself, to



be any great accomplishment. Becoming a man is a much more complicated



process.







The funny thing is, even in this day and age, most guys want to marry a



girl who respects her sexuality. A guy doesn't like the idea of his future



wife in the back seat with someone else, or of her being the subject of a



sexual conquest story in the locker room. They'll brag about girls like



that, but they won't marry them. They want to marry a girl, whether she's



never "done it" or done it and regretted it, who recognizes that sex



speaks the language of forever, committed love...someone like me.







But why would I want to marry someone like that...someone who wants to



marry a virgin, but spends his dating years robbing other girls of their



virginity so that he can prove his manhood? He's not a "real man" in my



eyes--he's a selfish, immature boy driven by insecurity, not love. And I'm



not interested.







I want more from you. I want you to respect your sexuality as much as I



respect mine. I want you to be a real, confident man, not a wimp who has



to use women to feed his insecurity. A guy like that couldn't use all of



those women, and then suddenly love me. He may be "good" in bed, but he's



no good at loving.







I want you to learn to really love. Learning to love is learning to put



the other first. A guy who messes around outside of marriage isn't putting



the good of the other first. He's using a girl...speaking the "body



language" of permanent commitment when the relationship isn't permanent.



He's putting the girl at risk of pregnancy. And he's putting himself at



risk for some nasty diseases...diseases he can then later give his wife.



That's not making love. A real man loves women--all women--and wants



what's best for them. And he doesn't let his desires control his actions.



He controls his desires instead.







I want you to develop self-control. That's important to me. I don't want



to marry a man who can't control himself. Men like that make lousy



husbands. A guy who isn't used to saying "no" to sex isn't going to be any



better at it at 40 than he is at 18. I've seen women who worry every time



their husbands hire an attractive secretary. I don't want that. What kind



of marriage could I have with someone I couldn't even trust on a business



trip?







In the short run, I'm sure there aren't too many rewards for a guy living



this way. Society tells you that you're missing out on your "sexual peak."



Your silence during the locker room bragging sessions can seem deafening.



You may have even heard from the girls you date that something must be



"wrong" with you because you won't prove you're a man. It's just



irritating that no one else seems to know it, isn't it?







But somebody does know it. I know it. And in the end, I'm the only someone



who matters.







And no, I'm not as narrowminded as those guys who say they'll only marry a



virgin. Society isn't too supportive of virginity, especially male



virginity. I can forgive mistakes in your past. But i'm interested in your



future, starting now. When I meet you, I want you to be a man who has made



a conscious decision to wait...out of love for our future family and



commitment to our marriage. And I want you to be a real man, who's



developed the control maturity and unselfishness that waiting brings. They



may not be popular traits in the locker room, but they're popular with me.



They'll make you a better husband, and a better father. To me, that's sexy.







I've abstained from sex all of these years, and it hasn't been for the



lack of offers. I've had plenty of opportunities, and saying "no" hasn't



always been easy. I'm sure it's not always easy for you, either. But it



will make our marriage so much stronger. Sex will be our gift to each



other, our exclusive "language." It'll belong to us, not "us and everyone



else we ever dated."







Thanks for waiting for me. I promise you won't regret it.




{Written by Mary Beth Bonacci
To order this brochure, write VOICE Campus Outreach, P.O. Box 1350,
Stafford, VA 22555 or call at (703) 659-4171. The cost is .30 per copy or
$20.00 per 100}

Advent, being behind, catching up

Advent began on Sunday! As usual I am so behind on so much. My baby has been sick again with another resperatory illness...So of course I have been nursing and meeting his needs and NOT sleeping because poor baby coughs and wheezes...

I managed to get my large advent candles out..need to locate my wreath still..I also am trying really hard to make a Jesse Tree and have fell in love with this blog http://family-centered.com/living/ and this blog http://www.ebeth.typepad.com/serendipity/preparing-for-christmas.html they both have SUCH GREAT Advent ideas that go along with our homeschooling.  I have printed out the beautiful ornaments and hoping friday we will work on the jesse tree....I will post more with photos later...

Ryan has been here the past two weeks, which is why I have not blogged. It has been up and down. At first it was REALLY difficult since he was not use to the noise, and just having to be a father....lots of prayer and offering it up on my part....and biting my tongue. IT is very hard to remember he has a brain injury....Until I have to remind him over and over about certain things....or he has a outburst. His legs have been getting worse then better ....
A friend came by yesterday and said to me he does'nt make eye contact like he use to. Among other things....I am not sure how or what to do to help him with him now working/living in Kansas. All I can do is pray pray pray and give it to God. Please join me and pray for him during this Advent !

Another concern from the deployment, mysterious wounds

I have decided to post a few photos of Ryan's legs...Yes odd I suppose but I finally took a few photos for documentation. When he returned from Iraq December 2010 he came home with much more than I realized. At first he didnt tell me about the mysterious wounds on his legs. I notced them. But as days and months have passed they are still there but worse. As with his memory loss he seems to not recal the exact time it showed up. But knows it was last year in Iraq. I know when he came home on leave last July it was not there.....so it was after that.
I have reminded him many time to tell his VA Docs but he KEEPS forgetting.....and now he is working out of state....He is home this week for his drill time and I noticed some new wounds and he said another issue is his injuries (cuts etc) are NOT healing. He tells me it itches very bad and nothing helps.
HE has a deep cut he got working back in september and its still there...I have done some research briefly and have read this is increasingly more common with soldiers that were deployed to Iraq....I also mentioned at the VA clinic and  a man told me that soldiers deployed to iraq have been exposed to things we dont yet know! Similar to agent orange....
IF you are or know veteran from Iraq and have seen this sort of wound, etc....please leave a comment. I want to know. I am very worried about it among other things....
These wounds are on both legs...

More reality from other military spouses

I was reading thru on of my friend's blog post this morning, Heather, http://www.itstwinsanity.com/ ,she
 always makes me feel better even though she may not
know it. Her ability to "just keep swimming" thru the mess amazes me! I wish I were as strong as she is.

She linked this to her blog http://likeitfortime.com/2011/05/07/the-day-after/ its pretty much sums up how many of us military spouses feel.

In the coming months we will have over 40,000 soldiers returning home from deployments...Keep them and the families in prayer. Reach out and do something to help them. A hug, a card a word of encouragement. Many of us suffer in silence. Many of us blog and are as honest as we can be. But no one knows how hard it is until you live it.

Broken promises broken hearts

It's so hard seeing your children hurting and angry knowing there is nothing you can do . Knowing the thing they need won't or can't be there.
Since Ryan took he job in Kansas this past month the children have been sad and angry.
He has become more and more distant . Hardly answers his phones let alone my txt messages . I rarely talk to him . So I txt and the kids can over hear my frustration and hurt . However he ignores most of my txt.

Just this week he told Felicity on the phone two different days he would Skype with them. It's not like he is deployed he can go Skype. However he didn't and I had to listen to the younger ones cry about how daddy broke another promise . I do tell him do not tell them you are going to do something and not do it.

I keep reminding them daddy isn't well. He does have a brain injury and memory loss. But to a 5 years old they can't understand that. Even I'm struggling with understanding it. You don't see a physical injury or scar so it's hard especially when he has been gone for over 6 weeks to remember.
The few times I talk to him he is jut not very empathetic . They say it's apart of the PTSD an tbi. All I know is the children are broken hearted .

I took this picture of Ethan this morning while he kept trying to call his dad after he promised to Skype this morning....

Rest in Peace Dawn Olschewske

We have had a rough week. Last friday, November 4, Ryan called at about 6:30 pm. Ansely answered because I had my hands in dough for chicken and dumplings...I knew something was terribly wrong because he was crying. HE told me 'dawn died'. I was as he was in total shock.
Dawn was his oldest sister and she lived in upstate New York. So we rarely saw her. But I spoke to her on the phone almost weekly. She was MY sister, not just my sister in law. I loved her dearly. We would talk for HOURS late at night after my kids settled down. Ryan has another brother and sister. But I was closest to Dawn. She has always supported me through everything I did even when the rest of the family did not.
We are waiting to hear the results of an autopsy. She woke up in the morning at 7, had chest pains and numbness in her legs. She was taken to the ER via ambulance. MANY tests were ran. After lunch she ate a little and began to vomit. According to her husband. She then just fell over dead. They worked on her sometime to revive her. But were unsuccessful. She was pronounced at 2:30 pm. We are thinking it was a blood clot.
Please keep our family in your prayers. This has been a huge shock so soon after the death of Ryan's father, David on September 16.
I am thankful although under terrible circumstances we got to spend some time with Dawn.

Rest in Eternal Peace Dawn......We love you and will miss your laugh!

Here is a link to the obituary  http://newzjunky.com/obits/1108olschewskeobit.htm

This is a picture of David, Agnes  and three of the oldest Olschewske children (dawn was the oldest)

This sadly was the only picture I got of Dawn in september because she had to fly back to NY and I never got another picture. But I think the brother has some. I hope to post.

All Hallow's Eve 2011

This year we went to a another precious catholic family's house for a All Hallow's Eve Party. THey have 9 children....IT was SO fun have so many children together!

Ethan was a karate boy..

 Dehvin didnt dress up this year but carried felicity..

Sebastian had on a cute monkey out fit and I was going to be a mommy monkey carrying him however he took it off. IT was warm out since we are in florida....

Veronica  is so creative with parties..

mommy and felicity

Ansely was a gypsy

Tatiana doesnt smile...gotta love her

Happy Birthday Ethan! October 2

SO I got slack I have three children's birthdays within a month! Ethan celebrated his 9th birthday October 2! After 3 girls I PRAYED for a boy and I was blessed with one.

Here are a few photos from his day!

Ethan LOVES Legos! And has a gift of building some amazing stuff!