My Mom taxi , just stopped

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I wish it were a thousand dollars . Or more . Yea wishful think I know . Feel free to skip this post I'm going to not be cheerful. Honestly I'm fed up . 

My van , well it's really not mine it is in Ryan's name . And I already worry and wonder every day will it be taken . Why? Because I have no idea if he pays the loan he tells me nothing . I live in fear every single,day that because my kids leave the garage open I will walk out and it will be gone . I wish I had my own van I knew was paid for . 

Well now it will likely be parked for a while . It literally stopped while I was driving my daughter to soccer Monday . At least my current doula client has delivered . 

As if our lives have not been bad enough as it is.  And while I know there are many others out there worse off than us it doesn't make me feel better . It sure doesn't make my kids feel better . They are the reason this all hurts . 

Even if I knew what is wrong with it I can not fix it . I can't even make it month to month waiting now for VA money to go in . I ration food , lock pantry and fridge . It sucks . Every day . Sucks .

Kids fighting over who got more oatmeal.  Yet I eat one meal a day if possible . 

I called their dad for help to get the van fixed and yea that was stupid just made me more hurt and more angry . 

I'm just living day to day that's all I can do. Yet looking ahead my baby's birthday is next week and another child's

Birthday is also I may followed by my second oldest to graduate high school . And the family doesn't care and very few friends care . I feel like I have so many enemies now wishing bad on me . Thad a whole other blog post . Pray for me . Pray for my children 

In Loving memory of My babies

I sit here  remembering that tonight, April 20, 2004 I was in the early phase of what I thought was a miscarriage. I was about 11 weeks from conception. I knew from charting. I had seen a local pro life GYN and had a confirmed uterine pregnancy.I had went to see her because I had a lot of off and bleeding and finally had a Positive pregnancy test. She confirmed it was a uterine pregnancy.

The night of April 20 into the 21st is a blur to me.I remember nursing ethan to sleep and all his toddler antics and how I felt him lightly kick my right side near my hip. I remember feeling something odd, like a pop.  I remember bleeding and telling Ryan to keep an eye on me that I think I am losing our baby.I remember my right shoulder tip hurting . I remember getting up and down and going the toilet Because of the intense pain. I remember cold water falling on me, I remember being in the bedroom floor and ryan trying to get me up.I had passed out in the bedroom floor and apparently my glass of water fell on me.  

The next morning still feeling a mess and not feeling right.I thought I had miscarried. I went in to see my holistic dr . She  thought I was having a gall bladder attack. She had told me to go to Northside Hospital which was over an hour or more away because we were in N ga.

I wanted to go home first and feed the children. But my husband  insisted we go now. So he drove me to the hospital.

I walked into the ER, telling them I thought I was having a gall bladder attack but had miscarried also. I was checked and recall them saying something about a rupture. They had offered me morphine but I refused and said I would keep doing my breathing. An ultrasound revealed that I had an ectopic rupture. I was bleeding out into my abdominal area which was why I was feeling the intense pain under my diaphram. I did not know at the time how serious it was. Later I was told I almost died. All I remember is I nursed Ethan and they wanted me in surgery but I was crying I could not leave him cause he needed to nurse to sleep...The last sound I remembered was hearing Ethan crying for me as I was being rushed away to surgery. 

I am thankful that Ryan listened to that voice which I know was God that told him to get me to the hospital. The dr said if we had waited I would have died...

I never named my babies and this is something I am praying about...I also have 3 other babies in heaven I lost thru miscarriage, One was in October 1993, One was in July 1994, and another in March 1999. My husband and his family were not very supportive of my losses so I kept it all tucked inside. It has been 11 years since my last loss. And time does heal. But I have never forgotten and wonder what they would be like. But I also ponder that I may not have the children I have now. 

 I think once I became Catholic and gained more knowledge of NFP I realized I should indeed be following my heart and talking and sharing about my babies. The comfort I do feel is I have succeeded with at least 5 of my children in getting them to heaven. And I can ask my little Saints to pray for me and their siblings here. Lord knows I need all the prayers I can get. 

I have the laproscopic  photos still and can see my little baby in the ruptured tube...a few weeks later I saw the dr whom said I had a uterine pregnancy she said I must have had a twin pregnancy and miscarried one and suffered the rupture . I pulled them out of my shadow box to share . IT may look like nothing to some but I can see my baby .

 Morning Light Ministries sent me all these beautiful items to honor our baby. I highly encourage anyone who has suffered any loss to check them out. It is good for all beliefs, Catholic or otherwise. We just celebrated Divine Mercy Sunday and as I looked at the medal that were sent to me in honor of my babies I realized it was a Divine Mercy Medal. The back reads "I Trust In You" SO SO profound looking back.

This year, 2015 marks 11 years since THIS loss. Last year I was by a friend's side as her baby girl Paisley was born at 19 weeks, without her heart beating. Her blog is here http://angelsremembered.blogspot.com/?m=1   please go read her story. She has 5 children in heaven .
 Her story was also just blogged on another popular blog here http://allamericanmom.net/lets-show-love-to-all-moms-this-mothers-dayeven-the-ones-who-have-miscarried-their-babies-honorallmoms/
a MUST read. A photo I took of Paisley's  tiny hand  with her mommy and daddy's finger is shown.  This mother is working on pushing a campaign for Mother's Day ,  #HonorAllMoms #Mother’s Day .