I guess I should update you all on what has been going on. A few weeks ago I got in touch with our local congressman's office, John Mica. I basically sat down with the lady that works for him and explained my situation and how the disability claim that started June 2011 has been taking so long, how they sent the paperwork to an office in St Louis. How the VSO could not really tell me how or why this happened. Then the paperwork was sent to St Petersburg. Where it is still sitting. The congressional office has sent a request so they have 30 days to respond. Hopefully it will take less time.
I am also learning more and more about how him being demobilzed to fast has caused so much trouble not just for my family. WHY? How come the PROPER paper work and procedure was not followed in Iraq? LOD? Not done over there for his injuries?Keep in mind he deployed with a different unit than he is attached to. All of this is still unfolding so I do not want to say to much. But I am in the process of contacting the local media. I do not want attention brought to me or my family however I feel I can ot remain silent. There have been SO many mistakes that have caused this mess we are in. So MANY soldiers and veterans need help. They are still not getting it either because they are afraid to or they do not know how and worse because the VA system is overwhelmed. Granted there are a few really great people at the VA that DO care. There is one lady who has be such a HUGE blessing to me. She has gone above and beyond what she is paid to. But she also says I am her friend. I hope to someday soon meet her in person and hug her.
I have put in a few applications for a job locally but have not heard from anyone. I am still trying very hard to trust that we will be ok and I will somehow be able to pay rent and bills. But right now it is not looking so great. I have been very blessed and am so thankful to those that have helped me without me knowing who you are. And to those that I know...thank you. But I know I can not depend on others to keep helping.
We are approaching Holy Week. And Ryan *may* be released from the VA hospital because the 8 week PTSD program will be finished. However it doesnt mean he is ready to be released. I have talked to him very briefly. HE seems actually worse now than when he began the program. HE still hasnt really shared with me what exactly happened in Iraq. I know some but not enough. I am told this is how it is with them.The Dr that is working with him there is just not very caring or helpful, she has not kept me updated. WHen I call she is short with me telling me to 'google' things.HE is going thru "prolonged exposure therapy" I am not convinced this is the best treatment for him. I had a conference call with him and his dr last week and it was terrible. He was annoyed and aggitated. She basically said he cant tell me anything while he is in therapy...what ever.
It is still a very raw issue for me. Being married to someone for over 20 years that you shared everything with all of sudden you do not know and doesnt share anything with you. But shares things with other veterans.....
He told me he stopped taking a med cold turkey. Because the VA would not change his meds there....The medication was apparently true to what all the warnings stated. So he has been even worse. I have talked with him about my concerns about him living here with us. He totally agreed he knew he could not be here all the time but wants to see us.. HE does not know what he is capable of. The issue is where can he safely stay? He cant be all alone, he cant live in a homeless shelter. HE needs help still. He is trying to get placed into another PTSD program in Miami that is longer and suppose to be much better. I honestly do not know what is best for him. This is all very sad and painful. At this time I do not feel I can share everything. Maybe down the road I can. The future is unknown. I am still feeling so very alone. I do not really have anyone to talk to, stilll never heard back from Military One source about our counciling, I am so sick of how NO ONE calls me back.. I am trying to find a way to accept things as they are, for now. I am trying to get help from some veteran services for rent etc....but have not heard back.
I took all of kids to our penance service this past week. Hoping I could get to talk to one of the many priests. AS I feared it turned into something so stressful. When it came time to go to the priest we chose, I had already said to God I was going to the priest that was in the "Mary corner" , Sebastian totallly lost it. HE has his moments when he does not want to be in the sling of course....Sohee mainly nurses in the sling. Well he began to SCREAM "NO NURSEY IN SLING" over and over. I was holding him in line while he screamed this. I was holding him trying to get him in the sling to nurse because at his age and size it is just easier. He will normally sit in the hip carry and nurse and honestly no one can see him. Not that I care. It is just easier...Well he just would not have it that way. Some very nice people let me go ahead of them. Ansely decided to just take him outside because he would not cooperate. So out she went thru the Cathedral with a screaming boy.....So much for a peaceful confession....
Lent has been a blur this year. I feel so terrible I have not taken my kids to a Stations of the Cross or even prayed a Rosary together. What is wrong with me?! I am struggling to deal with all of this. With Holy Week aproaching please keep my family in your prayers. We need a miracle.....Through it all I still look at my Blessings...my children. And the little things we have.
I am constantly reminded of one of my favorite songs, "Blessings" by Laura Story...Lyrics to "Blessings"
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Qivana, my new Health and Business
I realize I have been pretty silent on updates . It is just too difficult. However I have been busy trying to find some sort of income for me and my children since it since it is painfully obvious I must.
I have one dear friend whom a few weeks ago shared a business/health opportunity with me. Because she KNEW I want to stay home with my children. Also her daughter had been very ill and after many trips to the children's hospital she was led to a local natural doctor. He began using these products on her. She was basically failure to thrive (she is 6) and now she is cured and in perfect health. Her sweet momma I had not seen the past month, when I saw her I was SHOCKED she has dropped over 15 pounds just using the Metaboliq shakes, which contain whey protein and egg white protein. Those that know me know I do not DO dairy. Her daughter also can not DO dairy but CAN and has been THRIVING on the shakes. The Metaboliq shakes work different than most. For her daughter she finally is GAINING weight yet her mom has naturally lost over 15 pounds in just a few weeks.
Those that know me know I would not fall into a gimick. I have researched the products, ingredients and the company. I signed up as a distributor last week. I attended my first meeting last night to hear speakers. I heard Don Brindley, former president of Merrill Lynch Insurance share his story. This man not only is no longer on 4 injections of insulin for his diabetes he has dropped 60 plus pounds. Is no longer on high BP meds. And many other ailments he had are cured. His Dr at the local Mayo Clinic is amazed.
These are just two stories. Yes I will still take Juice Plus because it is different. But I am so excited about this product line and the health benefits and the income I can bring in.
Please take a look at my website http://lisao.myqivana.com/ . But please contact me for more personal insight lisano35@hotmail.com . I am all about talking to others. But if you would like to get healthy, amd earn some money you can order from my site or for 45.00 dollars you can join and get the products at wholesale. CAn you tell I am excited?!
I have one dear friend whom a few weeks ago shared a business/health opportunity with me. Because she KNEW I want to stay home with my children. Also her daughter had been very ill and after many trips to the children's hospital she was led to a local natural doctor. He began using these products on her. She was basically failure to thrive (she is 6) and now she is cured and in perfect health. Her sweet momma I had not seen the past month, when I saw her I was SHOCKED she has dropped over 15 pounds just using the Metaboliq shakes, which contain whey protein and egg white protein. Those that know me know I do not DO dairy. Her daughter also can not DO dairy but CAN and has been THRIVING on the shakes. The Metaboliq shakes work different than most. For her daughter she finally is GAINING weight yet her mom has naturally lost over 15 pounds in just a few weeks.
Those that know me know I would not fall into a gimick. I have researched the products, ingredients and the company. I signed up as a distributor last week. I attended my first meeting last night to hear speakers. I heard Don Brindley, former president of Merrill Lynch Insurance share his story. This man not only is no longer on 4 injections of insulin for his diabetes he has dropped 60 plus pounds. Is no longer on high BP meds. And many other ailments he had are cured. His Dr at the local Mayo Clinic is amazed.
These are just two stories. Yes I will still take Juice Plus because it is different. But I am so excited about this product line and the health benefits and the income I can bring in.
Please take a look at my website http://lisao.myqivana.com/ . But please contact me for more personal insight lisano35@hotmail.com . I am all about talking to others. But if you would like to get healthy, amd earn some money you can order from my site or for 45.00 dollars you can join and get the products at wholesale. CAn you tell I am excited?!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Forgivness
Today I actually went to morning mass. I went alone without the children, most of them were still sleeping. My oldest watched Sebastian. I have been longing to go to morning mass.
The readings today were http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/031312.cfm
Talk about a surprise, divine etc....
FORGIVNESS....easier said than done.In case you didnt go read the link here is the Gospel reading:
"I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times" It always comes back to forgivness. Sure I can forgive my husband. But am I suppose to keep living like this? IF you forgive over and over and over and its the same offense then what? He says forgive....from our heart. But I dont read that we have to live with the person....
The readings today were http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/031312.cfm
Talk about a surprise, divine etc....
FORGIVNESS....easier said than done.In case you didnt go read the link here is the Gospel reading:
Gospel Mt 18:21-35
Peter approached Jesus and asked him,
"Lord, if my brother sins against me,
how often must I forgive him?
As many as seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.
That is why the Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king
who decided to settle accounts with his servants.
When he began the accounting,
a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount.
Since he had no way of paying it back,
his master ordered him to be sold,
along with his wife, his children, and all his property,
in payment of the debt.
At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said,
'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.'
Moved with compassion the master of that servant
let him go and forgave him the loan.
When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants
who owed him a much smaller amount.
He seized him and started to choke him, demanding,
'Pay back what you owe.'
Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him,
'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
But he refused.
Instead, he had him put in prison
until he paid back the debt.
Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened,
they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master
and reported the whole affair.
His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant!
I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to.
Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant,
as I had pity on you?'
Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers
until he should pay back the whole debt.
So will my heavenly Father do to you,
unless each of you forgives your brother from your heart."
"Lord, if my brother sins against me,
how often must I forgive him?
As many as seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.
That is why the Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king
who decided to settle accounts with his servants.
When he began the accounting,
a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount.
Since he had no way of paying it back,
his master ordered him to be sold,
along with his wife, his children, and all his property,
in payment of the debt.
At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said,
'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.'
Moved with compassion the master of that servant
let him go and forgave him the loan.
When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants
who owed him a much smaller amount.
He seized him and started to choke him, demanding,
'Pay back what you owe.'
Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him,
'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
But he refused.
Instead, he had him put in prison
until he paid back the debt.
Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened,
they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master
and reported the whole affair.
His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant!
I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to.
Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant,
as I had pity on you?'
Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers
until he should pay back the whole debt.
So will my heavenly Father do to you,
unless each of you forgives your brother from your heart."
"I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times" It always comes back to forgivness. Sure I can forgive my husband. But am I suppose to keep living like this? IF you forgive over and over and over and its the same offense then what? He says forgive....from our heart. But I dont read that we have to live with the person....
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Spring Forward
This past week has been busy. My previous blog posts were positive. We celebrated a birthday. But also remembered Ryan's mom, Agnes , she passed away after a sad swift battle with ovarian cancer. She passed away just before midnight march 6, 1999..
I haven't talked to Ryan all week. He did manage to call very briefly to tell felicity 'happy birthday'. He also actually sent her a card. Of course not a single call from family , or my parents
(not a card from them either ) I will never understand how grandparents can treat their grandchildren this way.
There isn't really anything new to report about Ryan. His distance is just so hard to understand. I have called
The dr that is treating him but haven't learned much other than she is not very nice or helpful. She honestly tells me nothing. I'm unsure what to expect and wonder what meds he is on now.
He will be released supposedly April 3. But I am very worried . How will be be ready to come back and deal
With family life? No reintegration ? There is still no army pay coming in. No disability . I spoke with the vso finally one day, what a joke! He basically tells me they are not sure where his paperwork is! In a inactive file in st Lois ?! Really?!
So I lay here in fear . I have no job , other than working on my doula certification. Trying to homeschool, run a large family . Alone with no income. Tax refund is used up to pay rent.
I have been so very blessed also. I have had one single mom I have never met wire money into my account, enough to basically cover rent. I have had a few friends drop off gift cards for groceries and gas. I had a money order show up and I have no idea who sent it. It's those sort of blessings that show me God is still making sure we are ok. But I'm still worried of course .
Do I keep trusting God will provide? When my husband isn't? Or do I get a crappy paying job and leave my baby and children? My heart says no. Those that know me know I'm not at all lazy.
Back to Ryan... I did learn today he has called his brother...but yet isn't calling me. His brother said he sounded really depressed . And was 'pissed at me' Because i shut off his cell phone. So I had to explain why.
See last weekend (even week before) as I have written he has remained distant. We have a family plan with iPhones (they were 99cents) they all have 'track my iPhone ' Ryan hates we could track him even before he was inpatient . So he hadn't called in two days , by last Saturday night I tracked him. It showed him near a beach . I had called and txt him with no answer.
He tried to say he was in classes all
Day etc. I finally got him to call
Back txt if he didn't all me
I would 'swipe' (aka delete his phone and he couldn't use it) he called pretty fast. Saying he was going to call the kids later! I was furious.
Why? Because he hadn't called his children in two days. I pointed out how wrong that was . He seriously didn't get it. I got this reply that he needed to go out ( apparently he rode with some va guys ) and he couldnt just stay at the va hospital 24/7. I'm with kids 24/7 with NO help. He has time
To go out but not call us?!
Further more I'm very concerned that he is allowed to leave. It's scary . It's unsafe.
He was rude, didn't seem to care and was lying again. I realized being able
To track him was upsetting me so much . Because I knew he was lying and didn't care. So after much arguing via txt. I disabled the cellphone.
Believe me if he wants to call us be has access to phones at the va.
I verified this a few days later Because I called one of his drs again. She verified yes he has access to phones. But also verified that as I thought he was not busy all day , had several
Free hours . So he lied.
Now I find myself asking why! Is this how he feels about us? Or is this how PTSD /TBI is? How can a father and husband do this to us? Im at a loss. A part of me feels like its over. That nothing can be salvaged. There has been way too much pain , lies and hurt. But what if he gets better and realizes what he has done? How can I forgive and forget ? How could I ever trust him?
When /if he is released from
This impatient treatment he can't
Just come home . We are all
Scared of him. As hard as it is on us without him here it's been so peaceful .
So I lay here in bed typing on my phone and we are about to 'spring forward' into daylight savings time...
I wish I could spring forward into
The future and see what's to come....
I haven't talked to Ryan all week. He did manage to call very briefly to tell felicity 'happy birthday'. He also actually sent her a card. Of course not a single call from family , or my parents
(not a card from them either ) I will never understand how grandparents can treat their grandchildren this way.
There isn't really anything new to report about Ryan. His distance is just so hard to understand. I have called
The dr that is treating him but haven't learned much other than she is not very nice or helpful. She honestly tells me nothing. I'm unsure what to expect and wonder what meds he is on now.
He will be released supposedly April 3. But I am very worried . How will be be ready to come back and deal
With family life? No reintegration ? There is still no army pay coming in. No disability . I spoke with the vso finally one day, what a joke! He basically tells me they are not sure where his paperwork is! In a inactive file in st Lois ?! Really?!
So I lay here in fear . I have no job , other than working on my doula certification. Trying to homeschool, run a large family . Alone with no income. Tax refund is used up to pay rent.
I have been so very blessed also. I have had one single mom I have never met wire money into my account, enough to basically cover rent. I have had a few friends drop off gift cards for groceries and gas. I had a money order show up and I have no idea who sent it. It's those sort of blessings that show me God is still making sure we are ok. But I'm still worried of course .
Do I keep trusting God will provide? When my husband isn't? Or do I get a crappy paying job and leave my baby and children? My heart says no. Those that know me know I'm not at all lazy.
Back to Ryan... I did learn today he has called his brother...but yet isn't calling me. His brother said he sounded really depressed . And was 'pissed at me' Because i shut off his cell phone. So I had to explain why.
See last weekend (even week before) as I have written he has remained distant. We have a family plan with iPhones (they were 99cents) they all have 'track my iPhone ' Ryan hates we could track him even before he was inpatient . So he hadn't called in two days , by last Saturday night I tracked him. It showed him near a beach . I had called and txt him with no answer.
He tried to say he was in classes all
Day etc. I finally got him to call
Back txt if he didn't all me
I would 'swipe' (aka delete his phone and he couldn't use it) he called pretty fast. Saying he was going to call the kids later! I was furious.
Why? Because he hadn't called his children in two days. I pointed out how wrong that was . He seriously didn't get it. I got this reply that he needed to go out ( apparently he rode with some va guys ) and he couldnt just stay at the va hospital 24/7. I'm with kids 24/7 with NO help. He has time
To go out but not call us?!
Further more I'm very concerned that he is allowed to leave. It's scary . It's unsafe.
He was rude, didn't seem to care and was lying again. I realized being able
To track him was upsetting me so much . Because I knew he was lying and didn't care. So after much arguing via txt. I disabled the cellphone.
Believe me if he wants to call us be has access to phones at the va.
I verified this a few days later Because I called one of his drs again. She verified yes he has access to phones. But also verified that as I thought he was not busy all day , had several
Free hours . So he lied.
Now I find myself asking why! Is this how he feels about us? Or is this how PTSD /TBI is? How can a father and husband do this to us? Im at a loss. A part of me feels like its over. That nothing can be salvaged. There has been way too much pain , lies and hurt. But what if he gets better and realizes what he has done? How can I forgive and forget ? How could I ever trust him?
When /if he is released from
This impatient treatment he can't
Just come home . We are all
Scared of him. As hard as it is on us without him here it's been so peaceful .
So I lay here in bed typing on my phone and we are about to 'spring forward' into daylight savings time...
I wish I could spring forward into
The future and see what's to come....
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Felicity is 6!
Felicity turned 6 this week! I can not believe it. She said a few times "daddy promised he would be here for my birthday this year" I have'nt told her much about where daddy is. I know she feels he is not himself. I tried to make her day special. I pulled of a very last minute 'party' only two little girls from our neighborhood. They are older but she has played with them almost daily since we moved here. She told me that night "mommy this is the best day"
Here is Felicity on her FIRST birthday!
Im not super creative since I always have a busy toddler in the house but managed to pull together a couple of crafts for them to do together...masks...
this year was too overwhelming so I bought this vegan black forest cake from whole foods.....
Here is Felicity on her FIRST birthday!
Im not super creative since I always have a busy toddler in the house but managed to pull together a couple of crafts for them to do together...masks...
And BEADS!
this year was too overwhelming so I bought this vegan black forest cake from whole foods.....
You know you are a WWW when...
I recently came across this amazing womans blog post on a PTSD/TBI page on Facebook:
You know you are a Wounded Warriors Wife when....
Her entire blog hits to the core of how so many of us wives feel.
You know you are a Wounded Warriors Wife when....
Her entire blog hits to the core of how so many of us wives feel.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Distance
Yea I'm falling behind again on blogging. I'm very overwhelmed . Not much has changed with Ryan , he is at the VA facility undergoing the PTSD treatments. He has become even more distant if that's even possible. We have had several txt fights. He still won't talk much. My biggest thing was that he isn't talking to the kids and i felt the little kids needed to. Though the kids sadly don't even ask about him anymore.
Is hard to know or understand How a father could not seem to care about his family. I read that's how PTSD and a TBI is. But yet I find myself feeling somewhere deep down he should be able to want to care. I'm such a intuitive mom I don't think I could ever be so distant to my children. I have pulled myself out of what I think was depression when he first deployed Because I had to be ok for my kids because I am the only family they have. No grandparents .
I'm still working on a job . Locally as it is everywhere good jobs are just not here. So I'm finishing Up with my certifying births to be a Dona doula. In going to a birth assistant training in a few weeks . I hope to be assisting a local homebirth midwife .
However I am very scared about money. So I have been looking for a job but have not found one. I found a few openings at our diocese but a requirement is a bachelors degree. Sadly I never went to college. So I'm in trouble it seems .
I'm trying so so hard to trust God has a plan. But maybe part if that plan is me doing what I don't want to....leaving my children..to work out of the home.
Is hard to know or understand How a father could not seem to care about his family. I read that's how PTSD and a TBI is. But yet I find myself feeling somewhere deep down he should be able to want to care. I'm such a intuitive mom I don't think I could ever be so distant to my children. I have pulled myself out of what I think was depression when he first deployed Because I had to be ok for my kids because I am the only family they have. No grandparents .
I'm still working on a job . Locally as it is everywhere good jobs are just not here. So I'm finishing Up with my certifying births to be a Dona doula. In going to a birth assistant training in a few weeks . I hope to be assisting a local homebirth midwife .
However I am very scared about money. So I have been looking for a job but have not found one. I found a few openings at our diocese but a requirement is a bachelors degree. Sadly I never went to college. So I'm in trouble it seems .
I'm trying so so hard to trust God has a plan. But maybe part if that plan is me doing what I don't want to....leaving my children..to work out of the home.
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