Spring Forward

This past week has been busy. My previous blog posts were positive. We celebrated a birthday. But also remembered Ryan's mom, Agnes , she passed away after a sad swift battle with ovarian cancer. She passed away just before midnight march 6, 1999..
I haven't talked to Ryan all week. He did manage to call very briefly to tell felicity 'happy birthday'. He also actually sent her a card. Of course not a single call from family , or my parents
(not a card from them either ) I will never understand how grandparents can treat their grandchildren this way.

There isn't really anything new to report about Ryan. His distance is just so hard to understand. I have called
The dr that is treating him but haven't learned much other than she is not very nice or helpful. She honestly tells me nothing. I'm unsure what to expect and wonder what meds he is on now.
He will be released supposedly April 3. But I am very worried . How will be be ready to come back and deal
With family life? No reintegration ? There is still no army pay coming in. No disability . I spoke with the vso finally one day, what a joke! He basically tells me they are not sure where his paperwork is! In a inactive file in st Lois ?! Really?!
So I lay here in fear . I have no job , other than working on my doula certification. Trying to homeschool, run a large family . Alone with no income. Tax refund is used up to pay rent.
I have been so very blessed also. I have had one single mom I have never met wire money into my account, enough to basically cover rent. I have had a few friends drop off gift cards for groceries and gas. I had a money order show up and I have no idea who sent it. It's those sort of blessings that show me God is still making sure we are ok. But I'm still worried of course .

Do I keep trusting God will provide? When my husband isn't? Or do I get a crappy paying job and leave my baby and children? My heart says no. Those that know me know I'm not at all lazy.

Back to Ryan... I did learn today he has called his brother...but yet isn't calling me. His brother said he sounded really depressed . And was 'pissed at me' Because i shut off his cell phone. So I had to explain why.
See last weekend (even week before) as I have written he has remained distant. We have a family plan with iPhones (they were 99cents) they all have 'track my iPhone ' Ryan hates we could track him even before he was inpatient . So he hadn't called in two days , by last Saturday night I tracked him. It showed him near a beach . I had called and txt him with no answer.
He tried to say he was in classes all
Day etc. I finally got him to call
Back txt if he didn't all me
I would 'swipe' (aka delete his phone and he couldn't use it) he called pretty fast. Saying he was going to call the kids later! I was furious.
Why? Because he hadn't called his children in two days. I pointed out how wrong that was . He seriously didn't get it. I got this reply that he needed to go out ( apparently he rode with some va guys ) and he couldnt just stay at the va hospital 24/7. I'm with kids 24/7 with NO help. He has time
To go out but not call us?!

Further more I'm very concerned that he is allowed to leave. It's scary . It's unsafe.
He was rude, didn't seem to care and was lying again. I realized being able
To track him was upsetting me so much . Because I knew he was lying and didn't care. So after much arguing via txt. I disabled the cellphone.

Believe me if he wants to call us be has access to phones at the va.
I verified this a few days later Because I called one of his drs again. She verified yes he has access to phones. But also verified that as I thought he was not busy all day , had several
Free hours . So he lied.
Now I find myself asking why! Is this how he feels about us? Or is this how PTSD /TBI is? How can a father and husband do this to us? Im at a loss. A part of me feels like its over. That nothing can be salvaged. There has been way too much pain , lies and hurt. But what if he gets better and realizes what he has done? How can I forgive and forget ? How could I ever trust him?
When /if he is released from
This impatient treatment he can't
Just come home . We are all
Scared of him. As hard as it is on us without him here it's been so peaceful .

So I lay here in bed typing on my phone and we are about to 'spring forward' into daylight savings time...
I wish I could spring forward into
The future and see what's to come....