As I said in my prior post more to come...
Wednesday I took the kids to the zoo since my pass expires . While I was there his sister , whom hasn't called me
Since early December called several times and ansely's phone too. Inside I knew why. I couldn't reach her till later . As I thought she is telling me to let Ryan see his kids . That he is trying . That 'you don't want to go down that road because he has a legal right to see them' to which I said and I have a right to file an injunction for all the abuse . I seriously could not believe her . She was nice an all but it was still so annoying .
I took two of the children to an already scheduled appt. We talked about if they wanted to see their dad before he left even though i already talked about it. they had all said no. Inside I DID not want them too. But I knew I could not if they wanted to. I still regret my decision. I think they were torn about it.
Ryan kept txt me making demands about things he wanted. I ignored his demands.
I ended up meeting him at the Shrine grounds. I took Sebastian, Ethan and Felicity. At first Ethan would not look at his dad.. Deep down I know now Ethan just wanted money from his dad (from a job he helped him with last year) I forgot the air compressor he asked for....HE had a cheap small one he wanted to trade for. Apparently he wanted the porter cable air compressor to go with some nail gun he kept asking for that at the time I had no idea what or where it was.
So before I left he gave the littles a dollar and gave ethan a 20 dollar bill. Inside I was so mad as I knew that would cause much conflict at home. See ryan has not sent me any money since early december saying he is not working....Apparently he stated his step mom gave him the money to come down here. The same person that I have asked for money for food that would not help. Felicity said to him "you smell like beer" and Ethan agreed . Ryan said he hadn't drank today and only had a beer once since he arrived. Which seeing him has me thinking he probably has a drinking problem . He has put on a lot a weight and his face too.
He kept insisting he wanted the air compressor and would trade me with the crappy one IMO. I managed to get txt proof he has a job lined up so I know that's why he wanted the tools . But I will never see a dime of that .Even if I get a divorce . He has already said to me ' if I divorce I will never get the amount of money I'm getting now via military ' if he is medboarded out there is nothing anyway IMO . More of that pattern of control I'm learning .
I went home and said I would txt him when he could get the pressure washer and air compressor off the driveway . I waited a while after I txt he could get t . I needed to go get my tag since it was ending January . He had left the paper I needed to get my free military tag .
Well poor ansely who is not well and made it clear she didn't want to see him calls frantic, he showed up and came to the door . Felicity let him inside ! He wouldn't leave and forced a hug on her . And tried to get into the garage which was locked . He demanded the key . She didn't give it to him. So he asks Ethan for the code outside . Thank God we changed it the day before . He really wanted in the garage supposedly for more tools . The. He asked Ethan to help him take stuff to his truck that was pared at the pool lot. Ansely was scared he would take them . I had already them do not go outside . But he had already convinced them to obey him. These kids won't listen to me but did to him! The person whom abandoned them and has abused them!
He left I got back quickly . I txt him he was not suppose to do what he did . He has no legal right here the lease was only on my name and it's expired anyway .
An hour later he calls and leaves a message for me to please transfer 75-100 dollars into the joint acct! He needed gas and money for food back to ga. I could not even believe the nerve!
I sit here broke all the time and go without food . I never responded . I only have a little bit to get me thru until tax refund . The national guard has not sent the monthly incap papers and I have emailed them. I told Ryan and he said he would call . With out that there will be no money.
I need to find a lawyer . I can't afford one . I'm afraid to divorce because I will not share custody of these children. . But if I don't I fear that . I do know his family will cause me grief and will seek to try to get custody for Ryan . Because I'm sure he has lied to them .
I appreciate your prayers . I feel no anger and am peaceful . I just need to do what needs to be done .
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Horrible day ends....more to come ?
Today has been one of those days that I am glad is over . But what's to come scares me. I'm awaiting tests results for ansely . She was in DC march for life last week (another post) when she arrived back late Sunday she had a really bad nose bleed . She is prone to them. It lasted 30 minutes she thinks . Poor girl was txt me because she wasnt home yet . She is still dizzy so we don't know why.
A few days ago Ryan txt that he was coming down here to get his tools and stuff out of the storage unit . And was putting the rest in my garage . I said no I don't have room . So he was rude and said he would get rid of it. So this morning I decided to get another small unit and go get what I needed and move things .
I find it odd that he had the money to pay two months storage , gas down here and a hotel . I question that ....more on that .
While I was out for a walk on the beach with Sebastian , Ethan. And the dog , ansely called me freaking out that their dad was there . They didn't let him in. He did try to get in she said .
I had already talked with them and they said they didn't want to see him. I told him . He still showed up .
He had txt prior that it was not right I wouldn't let him see 'our' children . Which I reminded him he left us almost 9 months Ago! Did he expect to just show up and come in? I have no idea of his mental state. I have to protect the children.the agreement was he had to keep me in on his care etc.He has not .
He did txt me wondering where we were . I didn't tell him . I had to walk back home hoping not to see him . I live on an island . He knows my walking routes . Sure enough as I was leaving the beach I saw his truck . So I went back on the beach . I def got a workout today . I'm sure I walked 8 miles haha. Poor Ethan and Buddy .
He leaves me a message saying he needs to talk to me about the van . I knew this was not good. See when he deployed the van loan fell under the soldiers and sailors act . Well ryan hasn't apparently paid iit in a year. He said he didn't need too . Yes I know what your thinking...
He knows how to upset me . It's mean . He knows I worry about another repo . Since he didn't pay for my suburban in 2006 it was taken , I was pregnant I devastated me . I was left with no vehicle . But even then he didn't care .
So again I'm faced with the possibility again . He said he would take care of it . It's in his name . He can't pay yet he somehow got down here . Yes his stepmom . That doesn't like me 'loaned' him them money to come down here. I find it disturbing . Non of his family calls me . I can't imagine the lies he has told them . They think he is ok .....
So I lay here scared . Something I haven't felt in months . I have no idea what he might do. He did txt that he wants the guns . Which I have removed from here for now . I do not feel he needs a Glock. I know he has access to guns in ga anyway.
The reality has hit that I really don't have 'husband ' that intends to take care of us . I know I have to file a divorce to make sure what ever income he is getting the kids are cared for .
I wish i would wake up from this bad dream . I appreciate any prayers you can offer .
A few days ago Ryan txt that he was coming down here to get his tools and stuff out of the storage unit . And was putting the rest in my garage . I said no I don't have room . So he was rude and said he would get rid of it. So this morning I decided to get another small unit and go get what I needed and move things .
I find it odd that he had the money to pay two months storage , gas down here and a hotel . I question that ....more on that .
While I was out for a walk on the beach with Sebastian , Ethan. And the dog , ansely called me freaking out that their dad was there . They didn't let him in. He did try to get in she said .
I had already talked with them and they said they didn't want to see him. I told him . He still showed up .
He had txt prior that it was not right I wouldn't let him see 'our' children . Which I reminded him he left us almost 9 months Ago! Did he expect to just show up and come in? I have no idea of his mental state. I have to protect the children.the agreement was he had to keep me in on his care etc.He has not .
He did txt me wondering where we were . I didn't tell him . I had to walk back home hoping not to see him . I live on an island . He knows my walking routes . Sure enough as I was leaving the beach I saw his truck . So I went back on the beach . I def got a workout today . I'm sure I walked 8 miles haha. Poor Ethan and Buddy .
He leaves me a message saying he needs to talk to me about the van . I knew this was not good. See when he deployed the van loan fell under the soldiers and sailors act . Well ryan hasn't apparently paid iit in a year. He said he didn't need too . Yes I know what your thinking...
He knows how to upset me . It's mean . He knows I worry about another repo . Since he didn't pay for my suburban in 2006 it was taken , I was pregnant I devastated me . I was left with no vehicle . But even then he didn't care .
So again I'm faced with the possibility again . He said he would take care of it . It's in his name . He can't pay yet he somehow got down here . Yes his stepmom . That doesn't like me 'loaned' him them money to come down here. I find it disturbing . Non of his family calls me . I can't imagine the lies he has told them . They think he is ok .....
So I lay here scared . Something I haven't felt in months . I have no idea what he might do. He did txt that he wants the guns . Which I have removed from here for now . I do not feel he needs a Glock. I know he has access to guns in ga anyway.
The reality has hit that I really don't have 'husband ' that intends to take care of us . I know I have to file a divorce to make sure what ever income he is getting the kids are cared for .
I wish i would wake up from this bad dream . I appreciate any prayers you can offer .
Friday, January 25, 2013
Christmas 2012
This was a the best photo I got after Mass Christmas morning....Yea it was a rough morning
Christmas Dinner
Advent ends and Christmas Season Begins with the lighting of our Nativity Candle
Catch up time
I realize I have been quiet lately. I guess I tend to post more on Facebook. But even there I do not share much. I had a very busy December and was blessed to attend 3 births as a doula. It was hard leaving my nursling for over 12 hours or more. But I do enjoy being a part of a new moms journey.
Not much as changed with Ryan. He is still in GA. He seems basically the same. I have many tough decisions to make . One being if I file for a divorce. I have been to see a priest and tells me not to make decisions in anger and to do it for what is best for the children. I feel I have no choice because I need to make sure if he is getting disability or any income (though he states he is not working) I need to make sure he supports us financially. Since he left I make sure the paperwork gets in for INCAP pay. But I know that will not last forever. And that some sort of military disability will have to kick in.
I am looking into going to some sort of school. I am thinking about massage therapy school . I can use it with my doula clients. Also I can look in applied kinesiology.
My difficult issue is what to do about my children. I have no family. No one besides my teens to help. And that is a huge struggle I face. While they help a lot at home I feel terrible. And they will not be here for many more years. I am still homeschooling though I have thought many times about enrolling felicity and ethan into catholic school. Ethan has been really difficult lately. I am not sure if its the situation or that he is a 10 yo boy. I have asked for help from local homeschool familes. But as I havw wrote before no one will come forward and help me with him. I have asked saying I need a dad to spend time with him or let him be with other homeschooled boys.
I feel lately like no one cares or wants to hear my problems. Many I guess want to "protect" their family from hearing about our difficulties. I understand to a point. But one of my girls said that some of those kids will not be able to deal with college life. I have sheltered my children a lot and I respect that others do. My kids are not awful. They need caring friends and we sadly do not have much of that here anymore , one or two and one is moving away . Many people do not like Facebook. But Facebook has put me in touch with other catholics (and homeschoolers) across the world. It saddens me because though I grew up in GA and do not want to to go back. The catholic homeschool community is so much kinder and caring. Which is the ONE reason i miss it. The families there care. Sometimes I just want to pick up and move away to another place. Another country.
Not much as changed with Ryan. He is still in GA. He seems basically the same. I have many tough decisions to make . One being if I file for a divorce. I have been to see a priest and tells me not to make decisions in anger and to do it for what is best for the children. I feel I have no choice because I need to make sure if he is getting disability or any income (though he states he is not working) I need to make sure he supports us financially. Since he left I make sure the paperwork gets in for INCAP pay. But I know that will not last forever. And that some sort of military disability will have to kick in.
I am looking into going to some sort of school. I am thinking about massage therapy school . I can use it with my doula clients. Also I can look in applied kinesiology.
My difficult issue is what to do about my children. I have no family. No one besides my teens to help. And that is a huge struggle I face. While they help a lot at home I feel terrible. And they will not be here for many more years. I am still homeschooling though I have thought many times about enrolling felicity and ethan into catholic school. Ethan has been really difficult lately. I am not sure if its the situation or that he is a 10 yo boy. I have asked for help from local homeschool familes. But as I havw wrote before no one will come forward and help me with him. I have asked saying I need a dad to spend time with him or let him be with other homeschooled boys.
I feel lately like no one cares or wants to hear my problems. Many I guess want to "protect" their family from hearing about our difficulties. I understand to a point. But one of my girls said that some of those kids will not be able to deal with college life. I have sheltered my children a lot and I respect that others do. My kids are not awful. They need caring friends and we sadly do not have much of that here anymore , one or two and one is moving away . Many people do not like Facebook. But Facebook has put me in touch with other catholics (and homeschoolers) across the world. It saddens me because though I grew up in GA and do not want to to go back. The catholic homeschool community is so much kinder and caring. Which is the ONE reason i miss it. The families there care. Sometimes I just want to pick up and move away to another place. Another country.
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