Rest in Peace Daddy

On August 7, 2016 I received a phone call from my brother, Scott (whom I do not talk to) He told me our parents had been in a horrible car accident . My mom had called him (not me) Later learning my dad had suffered a massive heart attack while driving home after church (where he had just preached) when EMT arrived he had no heart tones. My mother had sustained a head injury also and an MRI was done which revealed she has a brain tumor (and to this day is not seeking further treatment) My dad was in ICU for almost 2 weeks following the accident. They tried to stabilize him for a quadruple bypass, he had a 90% blockage , the main artery in his neck was also blocked. He had suffered broken ribs and punctured lungs in the accident . He had fluid on his lungs which led to an infection. He fought for almost two weeks. I tried during this time to get to Ga to see them but was unsure if my presence would cause more pain for him. Since the last year and half my parents chose to no longer speak or interact with us, all because I was catholic. 

During the time in ICU I txt my mom some but she was slow to respond to me. My dad was not getting better. Scott had made the trip to GA twice in those two weeks and got to see dad. At one point dad did respond to them squeezing hands. 

Beginning August 17 my dad's heart began stopping, and did over 13 times . My brother told me he was not going to make it and that I needed to get there. Ryan refused to help me. A very dear friend Chrissy and husband Pat rented a van for me to go with my kids. And encouraged me to do go even though it would be hard. 

 I drove all night of August 20 into the 21st. I arrived  there around 5:10 am got up to ICU I held his hand and leaned over and spoke to him, he slightly opened his eyes and I think I saw tears . 

He then was choking and all that fluid came out so I helped clean his face with a towel. I remember the nurses coming in looking at me like i was weird. I brought  each of the kids into ICU to  touch him and speak to him . He seemed to know they were there. Then I sent them all but Ansely back out.

Everyone said he was waiting for me and do sense he was .I held his very swollen hand and he was burning up . I watched the machines and his erratic heart . I knew he was dying but not that fast . I saw his color change before the machine showed him flat line. My brother had stepped out of the room.

 He past around 5:45 am I felt and watched his color fade and slowly his hand was not  hot . My brother walked in as he passed . My mom was freaking out as he flat lined but I felt he was gone before he flat lined . I feel he died at the scene  of the accident as he had no heartbeat but they kept bringing him back over the two weeks and the previous 24 hrs over 13 times. 

I have the peace that I did all I could and should as a daughter . I have peace I did no wrong . And I will meet him in heaven (I had whispered that in his ear and that I forgave him) But I'm hurt . 

After the memorial and even most recent in txt my mom said they loved us very much but wanted the kids saved. Nothing I have said makes them understand. 
Sadly my parents did not have life insurance. My mom will require much help in the coming months I know . But do not know the details of the brain tumor. I financially cannot help her so I set up a GoFund acct to be able to help her now and in the coming months. 
This will be used to help her and help me be able to drive back and forth when needed to help her. As well as any medical needs.

https://www.gofundme.com/mommylisadoula

Rest in Eternal Peace with Our Lord Daddy. 

These are the last texts I have from my dad on my birthday in 2015. I am glad I saved these final words from him. 

And this was the last text from him in 2015 on tatiana's birthday. 

Below are many photos (warning there are a few of my dad deceased) 

He had passed at this moment below :

My mom holding his dad. 

I had my special Rosary in my hand and held it to his hand when no one was looking 

My poor mom saying goodbye once more at the funeral home . Sadly he had to be cremated because they had no life insurance. 

Rest in Eternal Peace daddy

My mom had took this photo of me saying goodbye 

We had to dig the hole the previous day for the ashes.Scott placed his ashes .

We each placed the dirt in the hole

I went to accident scene and prayed 

Scott got this from the police

Very painful knowing my parents came down here often and stayed with Scott but never came to see me. Scott posted on instagram this photo that was shared with me (yet scott says he does not use IG )

A few of me as a baby with my daddy

Daddy and me in St Augustine

One of the last few txt I have is this photo of him fishing with Ethan in 2014

The last photo my dad sent me after I gavehim a datil pepper plant and he was making datil pepper jelly

This is the last photo I have with my mom and dad it was a goofy selfie but I still have it.

House fire update ; letting go of things

We are approaching 11 weeks since the fire and we are still displaced . I have been so blessed by so many that have been so kind and generous . Yet it is has still been so very stressful and traumatic on us . They finally began work  On The house barely 2 weeks ago . It's been so slow . I just want and need to be back home . 

They gutted my room-closet - bathroom it's been a dusty mess because they didn't do a zipper plastic  door on my entry to my room . My belongings in the living room etc and covered in Sheetrock dust . I will have so much ore work to do it is daunting to think about . They have not put it back together because the roofers are working (only 2 men)  once the roofers finish I'm told they will,be back inside . Please pray this goes fast . The kids fight often and the littles escape to the park across the street . I am back and forth at least twice a day feeding cats . We miss our dog so very much and visit him when we can . 

I did decide to go over and organize and clean my garage since my bedroom belongings are In There. Had to put away the Christmas decor that was still up when the fire started . 

I also decided to,do and get rid of a lot . Not that Im a pack rat but had a few bags of kids clothes etc . 

I've realized I can live with very little *stuff * again I don't even have a lot .

 It's been terrible trying to find anything I need . Cooking has been a challenge too . Not to have my pantry, cooking items etc . Food allergies are no fun at all . 

I was advised to throw out my 25 yr old California king bed ( yes it was over 25 yrs ) I know this is 

Probably weird but that was difficult and I put it off , because I've nursed all 6 of my babies to,sleep in that bed , my family bed for over 22 yrs . Lots of love in that bed . Lots of tears . Several home births . And lots of sick kids in that bed . But it had smoke damage and as much as it hurt I dragged that awkward heavy thing to the curb yesterday . I have no idea how I will be Able to afford a new bed because I don't want a cheap chemical one either . So I will likely be sleeping on an air mattress for a while . 

The next painful thing I did was I had to get rid of my rocking nursing chair . Sure it was already slightly broken . My kids were not very compassionate thru either task . " mom it's just stuff " sigh I pray some day they realize how hard and hurtful they were . You see the nursing chair I spent HOURS nursing Sebastian  in as a preemie , and thru a deployment , thru many many illnesses thru many tears and so on . But I did it I carried my chair to the garbage pile . Only because of the smoke damage I was told Wouldn't be removed . Yes I also took a few final photos of the chair. 

My extra fridge in the garage though I cleaned out any food was full,of mold it was gross so I also had to push it the curb ( but a guy took it to recycle metal ) .

And finally we had to get rid of our couch but for now I kept the small,couch because we need something to sit on . And I know I won't be able to replace it anytime soon . I still had utilities to pay at my house and I pay my friend the utilities we use . I need to pay her something more for allowing me to stay in her home . She still has a mortgage . That is way more than rent I pay . 

I guess the upside to this is that the menopausal weight gain I've experienced the last few years has now dropped off . The clothes I lost in the closet were from my skinny days ... I did buy myself a new Easter dress for the first time in many years ( and it wasn't a nursing dress ) but I don't like spending money ( not that I have it ) on myself especially when my kids need things too . 

I'm still numb by all,of this . And I'm sure when we are back home it will hit me hard . Sebastian I know was traumatized because he refused for weeks to get a bath ( my bathroom is where he saw the fire ) Felicity has been just a tyrant and mean . I know I may need to seek counciling but right now it's just so rough getting things done . 

Thanks to everyone for prayers and your kindness . I mainly blog this to look back on someday . 

Some photos :

The melted window where Sebastian saw the fire first is gone 

Replaced plywood finally the burned wood is gone but I feel,they used cheap wood 

My closet 

Sebastian wanted to sit in his nursing chair one more time 

Yes I took a selfie ( I'm a mess from working in the garage ) 

Looks like we have been evicted but this is what I had to get rid of that was damaged 

House fire update

Thought I would do a quick update for those asking. We are still displaced, however have been very blessed to be able to stay in a friend's house for a few weeks. We have learned we will not be allowed to live in our home during the construction. IF THEY EVER BEGIN. When they begin we know it will be weeks likely 6 weeks min, but I know how construction is in florida.  We also had to put our blonde lab at  neighbor's garage as the insurance said 'he is  a liability ' and could bite someone, PLEASE the gerbil is more likely to bit someone than our dog. To say the least I am very upset. Much has occurred this week. We just need to be HOME. We still are over there daily, feeding the cats etc. 

I finally saw my chiropractor today I was having extreme pain breathing and under my right shoulder blade , I suspected it, a rib was shifted and vertebrae from all the coughing I have been having since the fire / smoke inhalation. I am slowly healing. But I am struggling with some anxiety from the fire, and fear of another fire. It was awful trying to get all my children out safely. 

Please keep praying for us. It has been very difficult. To top it off my van is dying. I NEED a vehicle ASAP. My van has cost me so much lately I have been advised to not waste anymore money on it. The low oil pressure alarm keeps going off. Could be  a bad sensor but likely the oil pump. The main seal already leaks.  I have tried looking some but do not have internet. The children have just used up ALL the shared data! I remain positive . I have too. Thank you to all of you that have prayed and sent me gift cards and money. You have NO idea how much you have helped me. 

Here are the videos from the house fire.

Part one outside 

Part two inside of my closet, the fire dept broke the ceiling out (breaking a water pipe) 

Part three my master bathroom (again fire dept broke way the ceiling and broke a pipe)

Surviving a house fire

I want to attempt to update everyone that has been so kind to ask. I also want to say thank you to all of you that are praying, that have sent help and meals . Without prayers I don't feel I could deal with this latest blow. 

Last Tuesday evening ( eve before St Sebastian which I have more thoughts on that ) our house caught fire out side of my bedroom /bathroom / closet.  

It was around 11 pm , Sebastian was coloring in the floor and went to brush his teeth . My bathroom door had been closed because it is a cold room ( fake glass bathroom squares over tub) I also rarely turn heat on . I smelled wax . I can't not recall whom saw the orange light first Sebastian (6) said he did. But I saw it and thought it was my neighbors house so I ran out side to look . As soon as I saw the side of my house was engulfed in flames , I ran in my cell calling 911 and yelling to get kids out of the house , a few were sleeping already . Felicity And Sebastian got in my van ( in garage) I back van out ( I knew fire fighters would need it out ) I parked it across the street . Dehvin moved her jeep too . I ran back in to get cats ,Ethan grabbed the ferret , the cats were running under beds. I grabbed what I could from my closet as I keep doula bags and camera ( and many things ) put it in the van. St Augustine beach police arrived he had extinguisher , Ethan and I got water hose on , my neighbor vinyl siding had already melted it was so hot. I ran to her door to wake her also and her visiting hearing impaired sil . 

St. John's county fire rescue arrived we got out of the way. 

Dehvin was with the kids in van, yes they were crying . 

It was very cold I was in work out pants and a shirt . The police officer gave me his coat . 

 *We were questioned and during this time we realized the cause . I ONLY share this to help someone else in the future , it was an accident but my son had cleaned out the fire place ashes he said but that there were no coals . Apparently he had placed some ashes in a bag and placed the bag in the garage :( . This was around 3 pm before soccer practice. I normally clean it and put out side later use in garden . 

By 3 am I was allowed back in to gather some items lucky I had some clothes in. My bathroom . I gathered whAt could . Each of us had a bag. 

The fire dept doing its job had used an ax in the ceiling of my closet and shower checking for fire in the attic however busted the main water pipe . So my closet and bathroom were flooded. 

Thursday the adjusters came . I feel I need to share this because of the questions I Have been asked many times regarding insurance . It is a special situation , but I have lived in this house 5 years . The homeowner was a kind lady her husband help start USAA . After my husband left us due to his severe PTSd and Tbi from the deployment ( we are still legally married but he has no involvement ) anyway Elinor wanted to donate the house to my church but they couldn't handle it so the k of c got alpha omega involved to take ownership but I was suppose to get a lifetime deed to the house . It didn't play out that way . So I have been paying a type of rent that was for HOA/taxes / insurance . and escrow . I never asked them to do a thing I fix things I painted myself I treated it as my house . Garden, trees etc .

I never got renters insurance since I thought the insurance I was paying toward covered my belongings. Besides living on an island usaa doesn't have flood insurance for Florida .

I learned Thursday that " my belongings are not covered because I am a tenant" I was already very distraught and this just hit me hard . I was told until Adjuster took photos I couldn't removed my stuff from the closet . 

I finally removed everything last two days . I knew the bins in the back had water in them . Baby memories , old slings , books etc . Clothes with smoke water and insulation . I share with Felicity And Sebastian . My dressers are still in the room full of clothes I just need to wash them . I had to throw out half of my clothes today I don't own a lot anyway but I have salvaged some skirts , a pair of jeans etc .  So I'm not totally without . I have way more than many I know that are homeless . 

I did save my packed doula bag and camera . However my camera needs to be looked at its malfunctioning . I am a professional photographer also that doulaing is how I supper my family .  

I did spend two nights in a hotel but I am now in a very generous friend's home off the island ( can for a few weeks ) but drive back and forth to feed pets and walk dog . 

Currently waiting on other bids so insurance can get this rebuilding going . They need to redo my room closet and bathroom . At this time I don't know if insurance will allow me to live there during construction . I hope after the pros do the smoke cleaning I can . The house has no power . Water was just turned back on since repair for that was done . 

I am very thankful we got out Alive . I suffered smoke inhalation and was already very sensitive to smoke . I still can not talk so I whisper and I am coughing but I am not sick with a cold I am not sure why I am still . 

I will attempt to post some videos and pics 

This is outside of my bathroom and closet