I have been pretty quiet the past two months . I have just been trying to pray and offer things up. Since my friend's baby girl past away everything in my life was nothing compared to the loss of a child. I still pray for her daily and ask you all to keep praying for her.
Tonight I sit here sort of numb. Our govt 'shutdown' last week. I don't have to type what all that means to you all as I am sure by now you know. What I am sick of is people saying oh the military will be paid the president said so. blah blah blah. Sorry folks you are incorrect believing the news.
As you recall we are on INCAP pay which is not active duty pay. (see active duty "may" be paid ) but families all over the country like mine will not. Plus by November 1 we may not get the VA disability , granted Ryan is currently at 30% for his PTSD, shoulder injury and hearing loss. The wonderful VA denied the TBI claim and that is still in the middle of the appeal process...oh wait yea the govt is shut down so God only knows when that will be done.....
Some people think I should get a full time job and not rely on ryan's income. Sure that sounds great. Putting kids in school, paying for childcare. so I can work a few hours. Folks local businesses are not hiring let alone full time hours. TO MAKE IT WORTH IT. My daughter started working at local new restaurant .She was working 12-15 hrs. But now they cut everyone's hours to 4-5 hours a day! you know why? Cause they don't want to have to offer HEALTHCARE! Follow me?
Some feel my work as a doula isn't enough. No it isn't . But I love being a doula. Not as much as I love being a mother of course. But birth is my thing. I may get 500 a birth for some, but if I go to birth that is 48 hrs...well you can do the math.....per hour. 500 really isn't a lot. But it all works out I get some fast births too....
Before the govt shut down we were dealing with furloughs. I went three months with out ryans pay going in. Then finally two months went in. Woohoo yea. well don't forget I was 3 months behind...rent, utilities etc. Then they paid another month. That was Sept 20. For the pay for July. They still owe August and September. And so far ....I have no idea when that will be.
I am continuing to trust God. So far He has taken care of me and my children. Because I know I am doing what He wants me too. Raising my children. ALONE
One of my last blog posts a few months ago was about a letter I received from my SIL. Well I also got a letter from Ryan's step mom (his dad remarried after his mom died) Her letter made me realize I am alone. His family thinks I am to blame for a lot. They think he is ok....I still sit here shaking my head. What does she know? She is a widow now anyway. She is not his mother.....She knows nothing of our early years of marriage.
As I have updated my blog tonight you can see three of my children had birthday's. Ryan did not send any of the children a card or a gift. He did txt a happy birthday to dehvin , he also briefly txt me "he was going to work on the damage he had done to them" my reply "oh really?"
Ryan did not call or txt ansely on her birthday...till a few days after. Ethan's he called that night after 10 pm! Ansely was so angry and hurt but not surprised I mean he totally forgot her sweet 16 the year before. He had talked to Ethan several weeks ago and promised to send him something.....Didn't happen.
I called him a few days asking for him to send money, he hasn't in a few months. His response was "you never call unless you want money" He told me "he didn't have any because he had been paying back a lot of people " I was like Oh really? He never called back , never sent anything. I left him a message Saturday about how he treated the kids . He never called back. I called tonight twice. And finally reached him.
Back up a to last week, I letter came in the mail from beau rivage casino. I didn't open it, I was too busy. But when he told he didn't have money I thought how odd. He should have. I opened the letter and read it "dear mr O.....thank you for you recent visit" etc......
So tonight when I got him on the phone I questioned why he hasn't called, why he never sent a card to the kids yet "you can go to beau rivage" . He was speechless. And was like how do you know. I was sadly correct on my instinct . I didn't yell (Sebastian was asleep in my room ) I just told him how rotten he was basically.
I also tried to word that I want a divorce and I do not want a custody battle. That I want the kids. He abandoned us. HE chose this. His reply "oh I gotta go" . I kept him on a few more minutes. I really had nothing to say. I just wanted to hear the truth and I told him stop lying. I want the truth. HE changed the subject to "oh I have to be at ft stewart Tuesday to turn in army gear" I listened to more ramblings. And then he says oh I am probably coming to see the kids Tuesday or wed since I will be at ft stewart. Which I told him , no I yelled that Tuesday is a busy day full of the weekly OT and speech appts, soccer and football and other things.
Some people feel I share too much on my blog. But I have nothing to hide. And I want my children to someday be able to read the truth. Because I do not sit here and bash their dad. I tell them when they do ask about him to pray for him. They don't want to hear excuses anymore. I love my children more than they will ever know. And now I have several teens and life is HARD. I hope they know that I did all I could to be there for them .
Please pray for me in the coming days and weeks as I am making decisions.
This is the letter that I guess opened my eyes...in a weird way.
