Update, No real change

I have been avoiding posting any updates about Ryan . Guess it is time I should. He was accepted into the shepherd center (share initiative ) and began treatment a few weeks ago.
I have only spoken with him a couple of times . It is still not easy to have a conversation with him about our issues or any real issue. I honestly have seen no change in him .
He is still doing things that are "not ok" I won't go into that .
His whole attitude just stinks . He still acts and says things that are not nice.
I honestly just don't see that things will change.
I went to confession (again) Saturday . It was with a great priest. I talked about my hurt and anger towards Ryan . I know God forgives me and God forgives Ryan. I just can't get past all of this.
I mean just over this past weekend another outburst occurred . More hurt inflicted . Every time I talk to him it just leaves me hurt and angry.
He hasn't called back since he hung up.
I really feel if he really wanted to change things or make up for the hurt he would try harder.
One thing the priest asked me to do was to show little acts of love. To which I said "how" I don't feel anything anymore . The priest said to just say something nice.
So I tried to call Ryan's apt all Saturday and that night , no answer.
Deep down I knew he was probably spending the weekend with 'his family' . See our niece was to be getting married on Sunday (I didn't go and take the kids) its a long story why . But the family as I've posted has treated me and the kids awful. And the niece was very nasty to my two oldest on fb ( and unfriended them) sad really .
Ryan knows how the family has treated me and the kids yet he has never said or done anything about it. In our children's eyes Ryan cares more about them than us. Those are our 12 yo words .
Anyway our 12 yo wanted tip talk to her dad and he hadn't called in a while . So I told her to call Gails house , see another long story my sil has called me telling me not to call her again (she is Ryan's dads widow ) so tat called and sure enough Ryan was there.
Just as I thought , yet he had never called us , his family ....he had said he wasn't going to go to the wedding , he told tat this yet now he was. She was hurt . Why? Well in the Childrens eyes those family members are mean to us. And to our children they don't understand why daddy would prefer to be spending all his time with them.
The past 3 years with the deployment. And everything he has missed most all
Of their birthdays and special events.

So of course when I spoke to him briefly I asked if he was going , his reply "I don't know" and then proceeds to curse at me. He doesn't comprehend why the kids were hurt , I tried to explain .
In my head and in my heart I feel
Ryan should care that it hurts . The kids are hurting . I try to convey this but he just thinks I'm the rotten one because " I'm controlling "

Then we went to Mass . I cried because one of the readings was Ephesians 5:21–32, go read in your bible . I hope he went to mass , but I doubt he did.

One of my teens pointed out how my my attitude changes when I talk to him . Sadly she is correct . Maybe I need to accept what is . Let him go. Because I know I can not live my life like this with him , nor can the children.
But we can keep praying for him ...

Schools in , homeschool beach learning

Today was the first day in several weeks it didn't rain. So we spent the afternoon learning at the beach....It was the perfect afternoon ! And we had the beach basically to ourselves .
Aww the joy of homeschooling .

Why homeschool?

This is such a powerful listen! Just 11 minutes..
.http://www.audiosancto.org/sermon/20120818-Why-Homeschool.html

Big Latch On Jax, Yes we participated

Here are a few photos of Sebastian that a dear friend took of us at the Big Latch On in Jacksonville  a few weeks ago, for world breastfeeding week. He was so tired and had nursed to sleep but woke up..

Sebastian's hair cut

I found a awesome place for kids hair cuts called Doodledo's
Sebastian had a fun time , watched go Diego go and was still a happy wiggle worm , but got a light trim ....

Sebastian's dental visit

This past month I had to have one Sebastian's back teeth worked on . He has several cavities . His top four teeth have dental carries . It's been a major stress for me the past year.
I have been using spry children's gel and doing a xylitol/water mix rinse . Xylitol helps stop decay.
We have been to 3 pediatric dentist and all say basically the same thing. IV sedation . That will cost 1400 up front out of pocket . Since he has new so sick so much it has made it difficult . I also just didn't want to put him thru the trauma.
His teeth have stayed the same . No worse . I've recently been trying a few other things from a book. Called cure tooth decay naturally.
His top teeth came in discolored . The things I'm doing have improved the discoloration .
Some dentists try to say " his night nursing is causing the decay' which I respectfully disagree . And tell them all 5 of the others nursed all night for years and had no dental carries.
They shrug and say oh well just his luck ...
We recently tried the 'gas' to let the dentist work on a molar and he did pretty well. But they say he will still need IV sedation for the rest. Sigh I'm still not convinced ....