Ansely's Pure Fashion photo shoot

This past weekend Ansely had her head shots done for Pure Fashion . Her older sister was involved a few years ago...Here are a few I took. They had a hired pro taking head shots ....

Fun ideas for Kids...and more

My friend Heather over at It's Twinsanity had a awesome post the led me to SO many inspiring ideas for my home and kids.
Play at home mom is full of fun crafts and ideas for us homeschool moms...
I also just recently was led into  Pinterest on Facebook by another homeschool mom of 9...Yea like I need another distraction I thought, however so far it has been helpful. I have learned so much and found some fun free craft ideas for my kids! And its better than google!

Sebastian playing his ukulele

So the  other day Dehvin was playing around with her Uke. Sebastian wanted his also...I video them...though D may not be happy Im posting this...It is so cute.
You will need to first scroll down and pause the music I have on my blog ...

Ash Wednesday

It has been a very busy week. Leading into Lent...I managed to take a few quick photos with my phone at mass ash Wednesday . As usual it's always interesting at mass with 6 children...and no dad to help. I've gotten use to it the past 2 years.
Sebastian actually did pretty good at mass. Maybe because we had to sit on the opposite side of the church because the parish school was at the mass time I picked .
It's funny to walk in with my brood with a church full of CPS children...they looked envious .
The highlight of attention was felicity apparently let out a piggy sounding snort ....I didn't hear but all the CPS kids did and turned to giggle.
Felicity is a handful . I get dirty looks a lot from people at Mass due to her busy self. I do teach her to be respectful at mass...but until you have been blessed with a sensory sensitive child or a special needs child most don't get it....I just smile and pray for those that give me dirty looks. Because I am doing my part . Jesus said let the little children come to me...He didn't say they had to be perfect, still and quiet.
So for all of you that go to mass or another church keep this in mind , smile at that mom struggling with her spirited child , give her a hug tell her she is doing a fine job! Offer help or distraction (in a loving way) a pencil and paper do wonders with 2 year olds .

Facing aloneness

Well I took the children to see Ryan before he is transferred . It was a tough decision for me.
He seemed happy to see them. But he also seemed to get annoyed easily with the noise level in the private room I requested for visitation.
Felicity was climbing all over him because she was so happy to see him. I think she sensed he was different by the looks on her face. She did not want to leave when we left. It's heartbreaking .
I am feeling full of emotions right now. Because I really don't feel he will be himself again. I feel so so alone. Yes I Know God is here with me. But it's just not the same. After seeing him with all the children it makes me so sad wondering how can he not make himself snap out of it for us! my children need a dad ! I need a husband like I had years ago who could and would get up with a two year old and play with him. I need my partner when I have puking kids to help me
Clean up ! So many things ...
I had suffered some depression but I made myself get better for my children.
I just want to scream in his face 'snap out of it you have a family to support'. But I know it won't work . I feel forced to face a lot . With no husband working supporting his family . No disability or any help. I have to do something I never thought I would . Find a job....I don't know how I can do it . I struggle to even leave Sebastian for births right now. Yes I love being a doula I love helping moms . I honesty love it once I'm at the birth going thru the motions of labor with mom . But right now I'm still not making money at it. So I need to find something that pays well....sigh
I have very very few true friends . Most everyone has several children so they are to busy to help me.
People say they are praying for me...sure I know some are. And I'm also reminded of scripture that says 'faith without works is dead'
I do help as many as I can without expecting anything in return . Yet right now I feel so alone. I have emailed and txt friends asking for help . Yet I get one or two replies 'im praying for you' I guess that's easier for everyone . Pray and forget....I don't want to come across ungrateful for prayers I am grateful . I know a lot of moms that are single and they have support of many ....I don't even have a mom and dad to turn to. I have no family . Yes I have my children but there is only so much I can talk about with my 18 yo.
So look around your community be doers ! If you know of moms like me. Or moms with deployed (or recently returned soldiers ) reach out to them . They won't ask for help. Reach out love one another as Jesus loves us.

At least I don't sleep alone:)

Our first visit to Jacksonville Zoo

We have lived down here almost 8 years and have never been to the Jacksonville Zoo. So for a distraction this week I took the children. It was sunny at our house but when we got to the zoo it was cloudy, cool and drizzle...they had fun though and I have a family pass so we will be going back a lot....


This was a lucky shot and unedited

               

 Sebastian had a BLAST as you can see between nursing in the sling, to refuel, he was RUNNING all over the place climbing and jumping. Yes he landed on his feet!

Ethan being Ethan lol

Oh Ansely ...

My beautiful children...are growing up fast

Sebastian wanted to ride..maybe next time we will

Finally something....

Finally yesterday we got some better news. There is an opening at a VA facility about 4 hours away. It is a 8-12 week program for wounded warriors .

They specialize in PTSD . That's about all I know at this time. He will be transferred in a few days.

However he is wanting to be released a day or two early and come home and see the children. I'm not sure if that's a good idea for the children since it will be difficult on them and then he leaves for a few months. I'm also a little concerned if he can handle them even for a day.
So that's where we are today. My persistence seemed to work along with a lot of prayers . Thank you for those that are following our story and offering prayers. I still never heard back from anyone at the VA or his drs...that's so frustrating . There has been one lady whom has been helping me all thru this
She has been such a blessing . I have not met her yet either , she is the mom I another LLL Leader in S fl. So as usually it's another like minded momma that's been caring enough to help me. She works at the VA but doesn't get paid for helping me! Thank you 'carol' !
We still have a long road ahead . And there is no job....still waiting to hear about disability and this other pay for NG . Thankful for a tax refund ...but it won't last with 6 kids to care for. But I do have faith because God continues to make sure me and my children are fed and have a place to live.
This past week was st Valentines day....my sweet children got me roses and a card ( they said since my husband wasn't here and he should )

***UPDATE TONIGHT
I spoke with him briefly it appears he will not be released to come home because he has to transfer to the VA facility...HE was also wanting a pass to leave for a few hours becasue he wants to spend time with the children ...But he will not be allowed to. SO he is wanting me to bring all the kids during visiting hours saturday....I have very mixed feelings about this. One is the enviroment (this IS a drug rehab facility) two My kids are crazy and it will be very stressful to keep them in a open gym. Third I do not want my little ones to be exposed to germs...sebastian gets ill very easy since he was a preemie. I must pray about this. I feel bad because he really wants to see them all. Im alaso worried it wiLL UPSET a few of them..Especially Felicity, her birthday is approaching and once again he will miss it.....

Update on treatment~ February 14

This past week has been a nightmare. Ryan has been in the facility since Wednesday . I went to see him during visitation Saturday. He was anxious and would not give eye contact. Making his jokes and sarcasm. I had called several times and no one at the VA or his case manager would call me back. He kept saying he did sign permission for me to be contacted . However Saturday one of the nurses at the facility said my name was nowhere on the file. All along Ryan has been telling me he has been asking for a transfer to a VA facility. Last week when he was admitted he was told the VA was full!

I have called several times and no one called me until today . His case manager tells me he just signed permission yesterday that he had not put down my name . It's so hard to know who to believe . Because I know he was a mess last week and is now on two medications . She goes on to tell me that he hasn't ask for a transfer.

It's driving me crazy! He is in a place for drug and alcohol rehab and they say it's for military also. But this is not what he needs. He needs a place with other veterans so he "fits" in.
I have called the local VA , I have called the VA in Gainesville. THREE times since monday. NO ONE will call me back. Finally today I called his TBI liason. She answered...I get the same song and dance. The VA is ALL full no beds. So basically tellin gme he should stay where he is. We did hear today he is 'approved' for the VA facility in tampa. But wont have an opening till march. MARCH! Are you kidding?! I KNOW I am not alone. Im so sick to hear and know how many veterans are suffering. That need help but can't get it becasue of MONEY. Lack of funds for the VA! Then we have so many returning soldiers. I KNOW there are so many other families JUST LIKE us suffering. Something MUST be done. I am so frustrated. BEcause since he in in a NON VA facility the VA doesnt even have access to his care plan or whta meds they are using.
HE wants out of there. But it really is not safe for him or us for him to be home. I feel so helpless.
HE called me several times today. wanting me to come see him again....I KNEW inside why. HE wanted his snuff, becasue he was out. I caved and went tonight with a sick baby. I got FIVE minutes with him before visiting was over. HE asked me to go get him the 'dip' and leave it at the desk. I felt so used. But I allowed it. I keep telling myself....This is what Jesus would do. Even though he has been not so nice to me in a long time.
A part of me wants him OUT of there. But I have tried my natural route and it jsut was not working or so I thought. HE has to want help. HE has to be willing to follow a strict healthy diet instead of eating out and eating junk.

I have so much going thru my head. Much many will not agree on. I serioulsy feel deep down all the chemicals and vaccinations they fill them with has caused his body to not be able to heal.
I just today learned of another family suffering. Another soldier that has snapped so to speak. And he doesnt remember why! THis poor family needs help and prayers. They too have a difficult road ahead. And it makes me wonder what has been done to them to have such similar issues. Such as losing memory.

I am also seriously thinking of contacting the local news. Telling my story...I have much to pray about tonight.

Have a Blessed night....

Ecological Breastfeeding and HHS

SO I am switching subjects this morning...because while my family is going thru a lot so is our country, and my husband fought for this country and is suffering for it. Our Catholic faith is being threatened. Our freedom of religion is being threatened. I will not sit back and be silent about the HHS ruling. Here is a quote I want to share this morning and I share more after.
"The HHS ruling which forces Catholic-affliated employers to cover free birth control, free abortifacients, and free sterilizations follows the Institute of Medicine’s recommendation that such treatments are preventive health so women can “space their pregnancies to promote optimal birth outcomes” (Clinical Preventive Services for Women, Institute of Medicine, July 2011).

If the government really wanted to space pregnancies in a healthy way, it would go green and promote the kind of breastfeeding known as ecological breastfeeding. This is the only type of breastfeeding associated with an extended length of amenorrhea (no periods) for an average of 14 to 15 months postpartum.
The research is there, but they ignore this natural way of spacing babies. It’s God plan for mother and baby, a theology of the body that is poorly ignored. And, unfortunately, our Church leaders also ignore it.

Because of the many health benefits to both mother and child with extended breastfeeding, it is hard to know why the government and the Church fail to promote this most natural method. Eco-breastfeeding achieves its average two-year baby spacing without abstinence. This is a subject which Church and State ought to agree and promote.
As a Catholic one cannot vote for anyone who promotes such evils and makes immorality a law of the land. This also includes the evil of abortion.
Sheila Kippley"

The above statement from Shelia Kippley is something you may not hear in the mainstream news and honestly not widespread among my Catholic friends. Why? well for one many do not even breastfeed. Most of my friends babies are about 2 years apart. If you do the math from what Shelia Kippley states (in all her books about NFP and EBF) then you will indeed see conception occured around that average ...Not bad right? WHile others say to me all the time "I got pregnant while breastfeeding" so EBF or NFP doesnt work. But I beg to differ...Work?? in whose eyes?
As you may know I have 6 children on earth and 4 in heaven. I have been nursing since my oldest was born (she was 18 last september) and I am still nursing Sebastian who will 3 in May... My others are 15, 11 (12 in May) and 9. See the spacing??
Yes I TRUELY Ecologically breastfeed. Non of my babies have used a pacifier or bottle. I nursed on cue following their signs and needs. They were carried ALL day in a sling (even for naps) no swings, no jumperoo, no bumpbo thingy, as they got older I also laid down to nurse them which is a big mix in this puzzle, taking time to lay down snuggle and rest....How did I manage this when I had 3 littles? I locked them in the bedroom with me with a Barney video (yes this was over 12 years ago). They usually would cuddle up also with me.
My babies also nursed THRU the night beside me. I never went longer than 2-3 hrs with out them nursing. And back then I was tandem nursing.
My babies also did not begin to nibble FROM my plate until they were a year old....First Birthday Cake??Sure my first baby had an organic vegan one she played in after her I did a fancy V cut melon with fresh blue berries and a candle .....Again they played with it for photo opts... On average my periods returned about 18-20 months post part. But my fertility did not return till months later...

Yes there are exceptions, I know a few moms whom say they did EBF. But I wonder sometimes ......then again there are a few that do conceive even though they ~may~ have been EBF. I wonder if they were taking that time to lay down to nurse because research is showing THAT may be part of that mystery. There is much we may never know....but I know EBF is for me and my children. IT works, yes it may not be easy. Motherhood is not easy. But breastfeeding makes it easier for me....I realize I ended this post different than I started...and I will continue that discussion another time...
Have a Blessed day~

Finally help? Or not? Mixed feelings and Shock

So I guess I need to update what's been going on here . Though as usual I don't want to . I have come back and forth to my blog unsure what to say for several days. Do I tell all or some? I began blogging our life after deployment so I suppose I should continue to be honest. Though at this time can not write all we are going thru.

The past few weeks have been just awful. He was put on an
Antidepressant back in December . However I kept saying he seems worse . Of course no one listens to the spouse ...the patient always places blame on others or just doesn't see what he is doing or remember. Just when one thinks your getting somewhere bam it falls apart.
As was stated weeks ago the NG is working on something call mcap?? I am bad with acronyms in the military .
But it's the army's equivalent of work mans comp...like yea we are eventually going to 'pay you' for getting injured on active duty .And the disability process akes a LONG time. It's been a long process because as I'm learning you guessed it he was 'demobilized ' too quickly and his injuries were not properly documented. There was suppose to be this other acronym called an LOD done when he was deployed and suffered the injury from the IED blast to his big truck he drive on missions.

I have made a few of his psych apts . The dr seems ok. Of course they only advocate for the veteran . I DO get that . But who the heck advocates for the spouse and the children that are dead center in the middle suffering mostly in silence. I KNOW I am not living this hell alone . I'm just not so silent about it.
I won't get started on how Hippa plays a negative in all this!

I have sadly also learned he saw much more terrible things than he has told me . All he told me all along was he didn't see anything bad....but he did. Apparently one was being witness and first and only medic responder to a civilian blast.
Learning all this has been difficult . Yet forgive me I'm having a hard time being sympathetic. My mind goes back to times when I had panic attacks when I was pregnant and he would just laugh at me . His lack of caring and compassion since he enlisted is so hurtful . I'm normally the most compassionate person to others . I'm trying and praying for God's grace one this.
There has been so much damage so much hurt I don't know if our marriage can be saved. I feel numb. He is the father of our children but I don't know him anymore. He won't even talk to me. And I don't try either because I'm trying to avoid conflict.

He has supposedly applied for jobs...he disappears all day . I find him reading in his truck or at Barnes and noble. I just don't understand how a man and father can do this to his family. I keep hearing it's all a part of the issues. I have my doula work (though I had briefly put the certification on hold) Im faced with the possibility of working out side the home....Im not lazy at all, It is just I AM DOING MY JOB , motherhood is my vocation. Its hard enough now I can not imagine how much harder it will be when or if I take on another job...but right now something inside me says NO. your children NEED you...

We all walk on egg shells ...I don't leave him alone with the children. Because he falls asleep or reacts in ways that are to much.
There have been a few concerns the past few weeks . One is that he has dropped our 2 1/2 yo twice and he doesn't know why. I saw it once and it scared me because he Seemed confused when it happened. Keep in mind he wasn't trying to hurt the baby. It was like a loss of muscle control.

Then the latest huge event was that he punched (not a full force ) one of the children in the stomach . Thank God it didn't do any physical damage , emotional I'm sure sadly. I wasn't in the room when it happened I was in the shower. Apparently she put a note in his face and he immediately reacted with a punch... I made sure she was ok . Then questioned more like screamed at Ryan why he did that. His reply as he blankly looked through me "I don't know" he seriously didn't know why he reacted like that . He said he knew he should not have but didn't know why.

I of course lost it... He left and slept in his truck several nights.
I kept telling him he needed help. So at a recent dr appt at the VA he told his dr what happened....
I got a call from Ryan that child services would be calling me. Keep in mind I have been begging with the va telling them he needed help but was not taken seriously . Yet you guessed it they called child services immediately .yea i understand why but it should have never come to that.
They showed up at my house that afternoon! I was terrified yet I knew I had done nothing wrong . I don't even Spank!
They questioned me and the children. It took that sadly to get the VA in gear. They have been trying to get him into a impatient care facility for PTSD and TBI . But you guessed it it's full until march we are told. So that meant he couldn't be here and he knew it. So he has been sleeping in his truck.
I made sure the va knew this ! He did not need this he needed help!

I'm not sure what really occurred over the past few days but he came to get more things , our oldest was home and I had the others at a park. I arrived home for him to say goodbye.
He seemed dazed and confused and told me he was going into a inpatient mental facility locally. I was in shock.
After he left I learned from Dehvin (she got it out of him) that apparently he had been at a public market and someone touched his shoulder to tell him he dropped something and he turned to strike the guy . He realized he was a mess and went to the local VA for help. I do not know what else happened . I sadly feel he was probably suicidal I don't know.
Of course I called where he was to get the Hippa song and dance ! So I couldn't get any information about his care!
He finally called tonight briefly . It was his voice but he was clearly out of it. He said he was being heavily medicated etc. he is in a place for alcohol and drug rehab people , clearly not where he should be! He told me He has told the dr he wants to be moved to a VA facility. I feel helpless! He is in a place that isn't. What he needs! All because apparently the place or two he needs is full! This is so wrong in so many ways.

All I can do is pray pray pray and ask you all to pray.
I realize I have shared a lot of personal things in this post but I feel it needs to be said in case I can help another military wife that is silently suffering to seek help!

My heart and mind keep remembering this day almost a year ago....I was at Adoration and came out to see a rainbow like it was coming from the Great Cross. I thought this was my sign from God that everything would be ok......

Dinner with two year olds

So the other night I posted on Facebook that I made chicken and dumplings . Many friends commented how they wanted to come right over..I was like well dinner at my house is crazy.
My littles are usually in my lap eating from my plate then they graduate to a chair...sort of.
See mine start out in the chair and decide oh wow I need to get across to mommy...so yes they will crawl across the table.
Yes I tell them , 'please sit down '
And then I remove them gently . However some are more determine than others.
No I do not spank. Eventually they learn. That is what discipline means 'to teach' . They say it takes a child 500 times to hear and understand something...

Series on Brain Injuries

I will be posting bigger update/post soon. Things have not improved and have actually gotten worse. A friend on Facebook posted a link for me. IT is a part of an entire series and investigation...I have not had time to read every story but what I have read is disturbing. I will let you all go read.
 I encourage all of you especially military wives to read this http://www.propublica.org/series/brain-wars .....