He seemed happy to see them. But he also seemed to get annoyed easily with the noise level in the private room I requested for visitation.
Felicity was climbing all over him because she was so happy to see him. I think she sensed he was different by the looks on her face. She did not want to leave when we left. It's heartbreaking .
I am feeling full of emotions right now. Because I really don't feel he will be himself again. I feel so so alone. Yes I Know God is here with me. But it's just not the same. After seeing him with all the children it makes me so sad wondering how can he not make himself snap out of it for us! my children need a dad ! I need a husband like I had years ago who could and would get up with a two year old and play with him. I need my partner when I have puking kids to help me
Clean up ! So many things ...
I had suffered some depression but I made myself get better for my children.
I just want to scream in his face 'snap out of it you have a family to support'. But I know it won't work . I feel forced to face a lot . With no husband working supporting his family . No disability or any help. I have to do something I never thought I would . Find a job....I don't know how I can do it . I struggle to even leave Sebastian for births right now. Yes I love being a doula I love helping moms . I honesty love it once I'm at the birth going thru the motions of labor with mom . But right now I'm still not making money at it. So I need to find something that pays well....sigh
I have very very few true friends . Most everyone has several children so they are to busy to help me.
People say they are praying for me...sure I know some are. And I'm also reminded of scripture that says 'faith without works is dead'
I do help as many as I can without expecting anything in return . Yet right now I feel so alone. I have emailed and txt friends asking for help . Yet I get one or two replies 'im praying for you' I guess that's easier for everyone . Pray and forget....I don't want to come across ungrateful for prayers I am grateful . I know a lot of moms that are single and they have support of many ....I don't even have a mom and dad to turn to. I have no family . Yes I have my children but there is only so much I can talk about with my 18 yo.
So look around your community be doers ! If you know of moms like me. Or moms with deployed (or recently returned soldiers ) reach out to them . They won't ask for help. Reach out love one another as Jesus loves us.
At least I don't sleep alone:)
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