Finally help? Or not? Mixed feelings and Shock

So I guess I need to update what's been going on here . Though as usual I don't want to . I have come back and forth to my blog unsure what to say for several days. Do I tell all or some? I began blogging our life after deployment so I suppose I should continue to be honest. Though at this time can not write all we are going thru.

The past few weeks have been just awful. He was put on an
Antidepressant back in December . However I kept saying he seems worse . Of course no one listens to the spouse ...the patient always places blame on others or just doesn't see what he is doing or remember. Just when one thinks your getting somewhere bam it falls apart.
As was stated weeks ago the NG is working on something call mcap?? I am bad with acronyms in the military .
But it's the army's equivalent of work mans comp...like yea we are eventually going to 'pay you' for getting injured on active duty .And the disability process akes a LONG time. It's been a long process because as I'm learning you guessed it he was 'demobilized ' too quickly and his injuries were not properly documented. There was suppose to be this other acronym called an LOD done when he was deployed and suffered the injury from the IED blast to his big truck he drive on missions.

I have made a few of his psych apts . The dr seems ok. Of course they only advocate for the veteran . I DO get that . But who the heck advocates for the spouse and the children that are dead center in the middle suffering mostly in silence. I KNOW I am not living this hell alone . I'm just not so silent about it.
I won't get started on how Hippa plays a negative in all this!

I have sadly also learned he saw much more terrible things than he has told me . All he told me all along was he didn't see anything bad....but he did. Apparently one was being witness and first and only medic responder to a civilian blast.
Learning all this has been difficult . Yet forgive me I'm having a hard time being sympathetic. My mind goes back to times when I had panic attacks when I was pregnant and he would just laugh at me . His lack of caring and compassion since he enlisted is so hurtful . I'm normally the most compassionate person to others . I'm trying and praying for God's grace one this.
There has been so much damage so much hurt I don't know if our marriage can be saved. I feel numb. He is the father of our children but I don't know him anymore. He won't even talk to me. And I don't try either because I'm trying to avoid conflict.

He has supposedly applied for jobs...he disappears all day . I find him reading in his truck or at Barnes and noble. I just don't understand how a man and father can do this to his family. I keep hearing it's all a part of the issues. I have my doula work (though I had briefly put the certification on hold) Im faced with the possibility of working out side the home....Im not lazy at all, It is just I AM DOING MY JOB , motherhood is my vocation. Its hard enough now I can not imagine how much harder it will be when or if I take on another job...but right now something inside me says NO. your children NEED you...

We all walk on egg shells ...I don't leave him alone with the children. Because he falls asleep or reacts in ways that are to much.
There have been a few concerns the past few weeks . One is that he has dropped our 2 1/2 yo twice and he doesn't know why. I saw it once and it scared me because he Seemed confused when it happened. Keep in mind he wasn't trying to hurt the baby. It was like a loss of muscle control.

Then the latest huge event was that he punched (not a full force ) one of the children in the stomach . Thank God it didn't do any physical damage , emotional I'm sure sadly. I wasn't in the room when it happened I was in the shower. Apparently she put a note in his face and he immediately reacted with a punch... I made sure she was ok . Then questioned more like screamed at Ryan why he did that. His reply as he blankly looked through me "I don't know" he seriously didn't know why he reacted like that . He said he knew he should not have but didn't know why.

I of course lost it... He left and slept in his truck several nights.
I kept telling him he needed help. So at a recent dr appt at the VA he told his dr what happened....
I got a call from Ryan that child services would be calling me. Keep in mind I have been begging with the va telling them he needed help but was not taken seriously . Yet you guessed it they called child services immediately .yea i understand why but it should have never come to that.
They showed up at my house that afternoon! I was terrified yet I knew I had done nothing wrong . I don't even Spank!
They questioned me and the children. It took that sadly to get the VA in gear. They have been trying to get him into a impatient care facility for PTSD and TBI . But you guessed it it's full until march we are told. So that meant he couldn't be here and he knew it. So he has been sleeping in his truck.
I made sure the va knew this ! He did not need this he needed help!

I'm not sure what really occurred over the past few days but he came to get more things , our oldest was home and I had the others at a park. I arrived home for him to say goodbye.
He seemed dazed and confused and told me he was going into a inpatient mental facility locally. I was in shock.
After he left I learned from Dehvin (she got it out of him) that apparently he had been at a public market and someone touched his shoulder to tell him he dropped something and he turned to strike the guy . He realized he was a mess and went to the local VA for help. I do not know what else happened . I sadly feel he was probably suicidal I don't know.
Of course I called where he was to get the Hippa song and dance ! So I couldn't get any information about his care!
He finally called tonight briefly . It was his voice but he was clearly out of it. He said he was being heavily medicated etc. he is in a place for alcohol and drug rehab people , clearly not where he should be! He told me He has told the dr he wants to be moved to a VA facility. I feel helpless! He is in a place that isn't. What he needs! All because apparently the place or two he needs is full! This is so wrong in so many ways.

All I can do is pray pray pray and ask you all to pray.
I realize I have shared a lot of personal things in this post but I feel it needs to be said in case I can help another military wife that is silently suffering to seek help!

My heart and mind keep remembering this day almost a year ago....I was at Adoration and came out to see a rainbow like it was coming from the Great Cross. I thought this was my sign from God that everything would be ok......