Week before Christmas

I lay here a week until Christmas Eve and have not been able to do shopping for my children . Now I know what the meaning of Christmas is and so do my children. I have also been making sure to talk a lot about helping others and how Christmas is not about getting 'stuff' . It's hard with commercialism to shelter kids from stuff. They don't beg for things. But still deep down I feel so guilty . I grew up baptist an different than my children . So a part of me still remembers Christmas morning getting up to find 'what Santa left' . I have never really done it that way with my kids because I still remember when I found out Santa Claus wasnt 'real' I was devastated . Silly I know . But I have always been honest with my children . It was them tht sort of chose to believe . The evil TV and even shows on PBS focused on Santa Claus . I always let my kids believe in fairy tales if they chose . I didn't I around saying 'if you are good you get gifts '
I could talk hours about the whole thing.
But as hard as i try I feel
Bad. Because I know I can not afford to go out and buy 6 children 3 gifts each . That is what I normally did , 3 gifts exaggerated like Jesus received.
It doesn't help felicity on her own with her sisters help wrote a letter to Santa asking for those 3 things . Its on the mantle still ....
I am filled with so much guilt . Our family isn't what it use to be. They fight and don't understand why . I don't understand. Why either . I never thougt I would be a solo mom . Ryan still has not improved he is still in ga. Until a few days ago we didn't hear from him . Now he has skyped and the kids have seen him . Full beard and obviously put on a lot of weight. A low tolerance when the kids are loud on Skype . He has
Mentioned seeing the kids before Christmas . I honestly don't want him here . We don't know him anymore . I'm afraid of what he might do. I don't trust him and neither do the kids . They have been let down and lied too so much . But there is the guilt again . The maybe or what if . Yes I know I am crazy.
I am scared . Once again waiting for the ARNG to pay this month for incap . So far pay and no les have gone up. So that means no pay before Christmas . But I'm ok . I am blessed to have 6 beautiful healthy children . While things here are so hard I am still thankful .