December 2014 update

I know I have not posted in a long time and then posted I would . The beginning half of the year I was very busy with my doula business and had about 2-3 doula clients a month.

Until August and since then. I haven t had any clients . It's so upsetting . Because I count on that income to keep the kids fed and pay bills . The amount of free and low cost Doulas in the area has increased and it seems doulas are the hot thing , though I've been doulaing before it was popular . More on this subject over on my doula website . 

 I have been living off their dad's VA disability which is under 1900 a month. Anyone with s large family knows it s huge struggle. But I manage each month to get by. 

My oldest left in August for Italy and had an au pair job . A dream come true for sure. But left me to pay her part of the shared cell phone bill and the  auto insurance . 

So I began asking their dad for help . Sometimes he would send a hundred here or there. He still supposedly doesn't have a job but I know he has handy man jobs .

He came down here in September and actually did some work on the house and for the first time saw the kids face to face. Since he walked out over 2 years ago. 

He didn't spend any real time with them . We offered him to stay for dinner etc . He was in a rush to leave . He could not seem to handle the noise . 

He drove a rental car down, stayed in a hotel and ate out. Yea sure he doesn't have money . He replaced a toilet too. And like that left after about 3 days. He never to this day has explained or apologized to the children . And the visit made them act worse .

He has an iPad and a smart phone yet still doesn't FaceTime with the kids ever. I have no idea what he does up on ga. 

My photography business has increased some . But not enough to pay the bills. I know I do too many freebies which I don't mind because I want others to have photos of their family . My kids get mad when I do that. I've been repaid a lot and definitely need to raise my fees for the time I spend with families and hours upon hours editing . 

I am most in need of prayers . I feel my once close family slipping away . A few of them seem to not be as strong in their faith if at all honestly and its breaking my heart. The anger and lack of compassion makes me cry . And it rubs off on the youngest . 

We are days away from Christmas and I have been txt their dad asking for help and money . He clearly reads th text and doesn't reply ( he either has an iPhone or iPad and it tells me when he read it)  If not for the extreme generosity of a few people I wouldn't have food in the house . I was given Amazon gift cards and just tonight ordered a few things for the kids . 

I hate the commercialism of Christmas so much . The kids know it's Jesus birthday but the littles have gotten sucked into the Santa hype . Not by me for sure. It's everywhere . 

I took two of the kids to target tonight because they were sent each 30 dollars from  another family member in ga . So they wanted to buy their siblings each a gift . There was a couple checking out in front of me with a cart full of toys and spent almost 600 dollars ! I had to hold back tears because I can not imagine being able to drop money like that. It was not jealousy or anything just sadness for my my kids. 

Ethan has gown so much I can't keep up . He found a pair of his dad's hiking boots and that's all he has for mass. I can't even buy my son dress shoes for mass and he altar serves. 

I just do not understand how their dad can live with himself . He knows good and well how bad things are yet he doesn't respond or help . He had the nerve to txt once day asking what do I do with the va money . He clearly has no idea what it takes to run a family . And believe me I'm frugal .

I know there are others far worse off than we are no I am so thankful for the home I live in . But it would be nice not to go with out and my kids too . I cry a lot at night wondering what the future holds .