I sit here tonight scared and nervous. Ryan was released from the VA hospital today and is suppose to be here in the morning (he is taking a greyhound bus). I know we should be happy and excited. I am sort of in a way because deep down I am praying for a Holy Week miracle. But I have to be realisitic. Though he was released does not mean he is well. The 8 week PTSD program 'ended' so they discharged him. Even though yes the Dr knew he stated he knew he could not handle being here 'fulltime' . He plans to see us but also has said he will go to the homeless shelter when he needs to get away!
As I said before there is MUCH I can not say public. I also learned the other night from ryan one incident that occured in Iraq that has left me in shock. I didnt respond very well when he told me. HE said there was more also. That frightens me. It was something I didnt expect. Yes it explains SO much of why he is suffering. But I feel like with other things he lied to me. I hear it a lot that the vets do not tell wives what happened over there. But I cant get past it. Yet anyway. This has torn my family apart. It has affected his faith. I do not know how or if we will get thru this. I am brought back to that forgiveness i blogged about a few weeks ago.
I ask you all for your continued prayers. That I respond in a positive loving way. Because right now I am angry, shocked and afraid.
My friend Liz told me today some simple advice, ask God to let me see Ryan thru His eyes as the child of God he is....So that is my prayer.....
Great advice from your friend. When I have a hard time loving people, I ask God to love them through me because there is NO WAY I can love them on my own accord. It's amazing what he does... Praying for you. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI have been more at peace. Liz is my friend in GA I have spoken so much about.She has two brothers that are amazing priests! One of her blogs is here www.trisomyjourney.blogspot.com You would adore her.
DeleteSweetie, dig really deep into the heart of Jesus for grace- it is there for you, just for you. You know Jesus kept giving even after his death- He kept giving his love and his forgiveness even after He gave up his life- when his heart was cleft by the lance- instrument of war, and out flowed bood and water- it was pretty extreme. I think Jesus invites us to be the instrument of forgiveness to these extremes. You have the power within your grasp to heal, to be the balm of restoration, this is a task appointed to you, you were chosen for this. Will you give yourself over to Jesus in the confusion, in the darkness, in the horror of the reality- trusting He has brought you to this shocking place, and give that over and above generous love that He always stands ready to give us even when we fail Him so miserably? Even if you know you can in NO way do this, if you are willing to try He will empower and enable you to do His will and to be the means of resurrection. Don't let the difficulty dismay you- the work is worthy- it is heroic. And the Lord will be so close to you! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteJo you have always inspired me. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I AM trying.
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