A whiny post

So I have not really updated much on the issues at home. You may choose not to read this post cause Im in a mood....A sort of whiny I can cry its the night before my 42 birthday night.
Ryan still is jobless...sigh...Apparently since he as PTSD and the TBI he can be placed on something call mcap??Still dont get it. Im told it is going thru the army NG channels or the higher ups....IT may be a month or so before we know....and the wondering I have is how much will he be paid? Then im learning its like a army version of workman comp and if he gets this he cant work ......sigh....not that I think ryan can handl much. I just do not know anymore. He spends a lot of time online applying....no calls. He spends a lot of time going places putting apps in....yet I have caught him SEVERAL times just sitting in his truck reading in a parkinglot.....eating junk food. Yes that is supporting a family. Eating out when one has no job abd 6 kids at home another big no no IMO and many others agree. The severance pay is pretty much gone. I try and try to not show anger but tonight I let it out. i am so angry! He wont talk. I try nicely. His TBI affects him I know. He just stares at me. OR he screams....SO tonight I am upset yelling to get his attention. Cause he refuses to TALK. ITs driving me nuts. ITs obvious he does not care about ANYTHING. So I get told its all my fault. I do nothing, I am mean to the kids . I basically suck at everything.
I am all alone , no family. My parents as of september have disowned me. Thats a whole seperate post...IT is me and the children.
There is a small voice saying yes you need to get a job...but I can not leave my nursling. There is no way I can trust ryan with th children....I have much to pray about but right now I am sort of scared to.....