"Read"

I haven't really updated lately about the situation with ryan. Partly because I just want it all behind me I want to block him and the entire situation out of my mind.

Not that there have been any big changes. He still doesn't communicate with the children. Even though he has stated MANY times he 'was working on letters' But nothing has arrived. He has an ipad. So he has access to Skype or facetime.

 Last week a text message came thru it was from him. Via a different email address. I knew he was on the ipad because it comes thru as an Imessage. And that special word "read". You know when the receiver of the message has seen or 'read' the sent message. He messaged the day after Sebastian's birthday. HE had actually called on Sebastian's birthday.. But it was crazy since we were doing the cake.
 He had told me he had sent a package a few days before. I questioned that. and when it would arrive. It ends up he said he went to UPs store and the package had not shipped???SO he 'got his money back" I still do not know if a package was sent. Because he said he was money gram to me to go buy Sebastian a gift and tell him it was from dad. Hmm? Really? I was like he wont know or really understand.

Back to his imessage. He had messaged about sebastians day , what I got him etc. HE asked what to get Tatiana for her birthday that is coming up on May 20. I told him some Dr Who stuff maybe. I asked him if he was on the ipad. HE kept asking questions. Said good nite. I asked more questions but he never replied. I noticed the next day he had "read" the imessage . But he never replied.

A lot of questionable things happened lately. One was a dvd was mailed to us from Wounded Warriors. It was from an outing at the Georgia Aquarium. Ryan was in it. Apparently he did that and a soldier bike even in Atlanta. I asked him about it . He said he told us....I said No you did not.

His family is still enabling him. The family never calls me or the children. I have tried to accept all of this . I am a mom of 6 yet I still feel alone. I was not suppose to be parenting teens alone. I am worried about the future. Income etc. I still trust God. But it is so hard. When you have 6 children to feed and care for.

Then I am dealing with guilt again. Recently a few friends on facebook posted some military stuff. Once was about TBI and one was a link about a show called inside Combat Rescue. I should feel ryan is a hero I am told . People thank us for service all the time. But I do not feel that way. I do not look at him as a hero. I am sorry. IT is how I feel. He abused us. He left us. Yet I see a show and the soldiers love their family, They Skype, they write home etc. Ryan did not hardly communicate while deployed. IT is just so hard. I do not know him. I feel like my marriage wasn't real. Yet as a catholic I know better. I am tired. I am rambling. Typical for me I guess.