Update, June 2012

I suppose it is time for one of my long updates. It has been a rough few weeks since ryan came back from the VA in tampa. So many big and little things have happened.I am not sure where to begin.
Years ago I would have LOVED to have him home 24/7 to help me with the kids and homeschool. But sadly it has been so stressful and exhausting.  Like always I can not leave him alone with the kids because he doesnt know how he may react.
My neighbors have been so kind giving him odd jobs and such to keep him out and busy. Then last week he decided he was going to the VA a few hours away to stay at a domicilary. HE basically can not handle everyday life in our home. He had dehvin drive him to gainesville and leave him there. I did not hear from him for a few days. Then he calls saying he was leaving and coming back. But didnt know where or what he was going to do. He informed me the place he was staying was a place for drug and alcohol addicted vets. HE did not fit in at all.
After much pray and thought I emailed him a long email. Explaining how he was ripping the family apart and he coudnt come back here. That he needed to stay or find another facility. See when he is home I have to remind him to take his meds since he chose to go on them, if he doesnt take them correctly he acts worse. He has actually been worse I feel with meds, but he feels he needs them. Its a nasty cycle. I am the evil controlling person that has to remind him . He hasnt been seeing any real consistant councilors. So I felt it was best for me and the kids he stay at the VA and be under proper care. He needs to be able to be ok with the kids. His behavior is affecting them and me. I feel he sucks the life from me at times. I am so exhausted.
However even after a long heartfelt email in which I expected a reply. He still left and came back here last night. He was happy at first....Then tells me how he was accepted to wounded warriors fishing trip. I was sort of relieved...Cause he would be leaving again. yet i was angry because it seems all he does is come and go when  he wants and leaves when it gets to hard to deal with. i NEVER do anything maybe a doula meeting or I teach a breastfeeding group once a month. And of course mother and homeschool my kids. I love being a mom I really do. But I use to have a real husband /father that loved us.
Today he starts ranting stupid things at me about how the money is his (what little there is) that I fought hard and did all the pushing to get . He demands money for has to go on this . fishing trip. He starts saying that he isn't going to let Dehvin keep using his truck and she should have sold her car . And let me say he was in the va hospital in Tampa and said sell it because he wasn't there to fix it. He starts ranting against my qivana and juice plus . Organic groceries and on and on.
I seriously could not believe
What I was hearing . He tells me
How he hasnt been happy in a very long time. I couldn't get him to make eye contact either .
A little while later he apologizes for it saying he doesn't know why he says stuff like that!
He leaves to go on the wounded warriors trip. Only a few hours later is heading back because it was cancelled due to all the storms we are having .
Funny how God works.
I'm still not sure how to handle another issue. He went for his disability rating appointment last week . No one was allowed with him . Several drs evaluated his claims . Apparently he said the only dr that said anything was the neurologist . And this dr was saying things like 'you don't have a TBI'
Well come to find out this neurologist has lied and falsified paperwork. We know Because we obtained a copy of the paperwork ...I am not sure at this time what is next but i have read parts of it and another dr that knows my husbands injuries agrees this is crazy .
One more bit of craziness apparently on his way home yesterday there was a severe car accident in front of their van and another van had flipped . Ryan jumped out and was the first responder and pulled the driver from flipped van and stabilized her. That's about all
I know about that . Just what he needed as someone with severe PTSD .
I had told him in an email
The other day he had chosen to leave and couldn't come back until he was much better . We want him here but not. the way he is. We are all so hurt and angry . He even 'joked' tonight and said , in front of the kids , he never wanted all these kids. I was so sad
And to see the look on Tatiana's face. He said he was joking ....not funny at all. He won't leave . But I know he will when he wants . So now I need prayers and Grace to get
Thru this. I really don't know what else to do.