Being honest

I have been thinking a lot lately about how to blog. I feel a blog is a place to be honest about life.
Feelings are one of those areas. I have kept a lot of my deep true feelings about how me and my children lived thru the deployment in 2010.
Since his return it has been even harder honestly than the actual deployment.
I have decided to start being honest about how I feel about it. And most of all how it has affected my children.
As my profile reads we are a very catholic attachment parenting family. I have been since I had Dehvin . It was Ryan who would say as I tried to lay her in a bassinet next to our bed ' hon why dont you just keep her on you' I never thought about before. See she would cry every time I nursed her and tried to lay her down.
So began our family bed. It was her daddy's idea.
We made all those parenting decisions together as a husband and wife.
We were such an attached close family for years. We went camping , hiking beach vacations etc. Always together as a family. When they were babies all they wanted was momma. Of course. When they got older and were ready they hung out with daddy more and more.
We decided to Homeschool together.

Fast forward to 2008 when Ryan at the age of 38 decided to join the national guard. I honestly was not happy. I didn't believe he would or could do it. He had lost his job that we moved from ga to Fl In construction. The market was a mess. He wanted out of construction.
He lost 50 pounds maybe more passes his pt test and scored very high on the asvab. Even though I hated the idea and didn't want him to join he did it anyway, which would be the sad beginning of his own decision making .
He went off to Basic training at fort benning. Which began the nightmare. He would begin missing birthdays and first communions. Things we as a family always celebrated together . Our
Family life would never be the same.
After he graduated from basic he would go on to AIT at fort Sam Houston near San Antonio tx.
That's when the change and distance started . At basic he went thru hell. He wrote me all the time . I felt so loved and close to him then and that was and to this day is the closest we were .
Something changed with him at AIT and I'm still not sure what it was. Single married life? I learned much later how he went out with the guys to bars like hooters (which we use to agree was inappropriate behavior for a married man).
When he returned from AIT as a army medic he was different , more easily annoyed etc.
I became pregnant with baby number 6 . That pregnancy was stressful , Ryan seemed unhappy etc an was working at a local dr office as a medical assistant . The people he worked with were not the best. But Ryan seemed to enjoy the attention but he said I was jealous and insecure.
Baby number six ended up being a preemie. His birth story is here Sebastian's birth story

Shortly after Sebastian was born Ryan volunteered to deploy. He said he would have been anyway.

He deployed on his 40 birthday January 6, 2010. The first few months I barely functioned and know now I was depressed . But I pulled myself thru it. We had to move right before he left and again right before he returned.
We skyped and he would rarely write even though I begged for letters something to hold on to and read.

I wouldn't learn until later I believe it was in April 2010 the truck he drove on missions was hit with an IED.

He came home just before Christmas 2010. Demobilized very quickly at ft Stewart.
I had read to expect changes in us all. I was ready so I thought. Little did I know how bad it would be.
Just as I read around that 4 month point back home things got much worse and continued to. Dehvin said early on daddy has PTSD because she was taking a psychology class.
I began to push him to go to the VA. He eventually went . He was 'officially' diagnosed with PTSD , TBI, memory loss and hearing loss.
It took several months to get appts . He missed lots of work.
His moods were erratic. He was easily annoyed by the children and too aggressive. I got into counciling so I could cope. But it's difficult to go with children.
He reached a point a few months ago that he lost it. He ended up leaving and was living at a local homeless shelter.
One day he was sick at work head pain , vomiting , dizziness .
I spoke with his TBI liason and she said to get him to the ER and explain the situation. Which I did . Spent 4 hours waiting . Once he was taken back I had to run home (1-2 miles) to nurse Sebastian . When I returned he was being released! They said he was dehydrated and had sinusitis ! I was shocked and could tell they didn't want to deal with a VA patient. He was given a dose of something for swelling . Over the next few days I noticed he seemed better , the prednisone I feel must have shrank some swelling in his brain.

We had finally set up several appts . One test for sleep apnea which was positive. We are still waiting for
The appt to get the cpap machine.
He has participated in a TBI study and had an MRI .
We are waiting for an appt followup .
Recently his father passed away. So this has been a devastating blow.
Shortly after his return from his fathers funeral he quit his job .
I begged him not to taken new job because it would take him across the country . Sadly he did.
So here I sit working on this very long blog entry. I'm writing all this now because I need to. I need to remember the details an also share parts if our story because over the past week I'm learning just how many soldiers families are suffering.
So between my precious family rantings I am going to be honest about our lives . A once very close attached family now being ripped apart by life after war and deployment.