Reality and trying to face the future

Like before with my updates of life with living with someone with PTSD and a TBI I find myself coming here then posting something else. I am trying so hard to keep my faith and be positive. Im having one of those difficult days. So feel free to not read what I feel today.
Last friday I went with ryan to a phsychology appt to see Dr Freund the one that wrote Taming the Fire Within. He has seen her one ot two times. But when he moved to Kansas that stopped. She seems pretty good and nice. Hearing her validate what I know made me feel so sad.Then to hear her go on and explain how he needs meds etc was difficult. Hearing her say it wont get better over night or even weeks just made me feel so sick. I still do not know what to think or say . I just want to wake up from all this crap and it be a bad dream . I want to go back a few years to when I felt loved by my husband. Before the deployment before AIT.
DR F explained things I knew already. I asked questions. But nothing helps. Im suppose to make my kids understand all this. I am suppose to tell kids that daddy feels this or that. I HAVE over and over. I explain to them as best I can. They still dont get it. I dont get it. I just want to shake him and say snap out of it! HE has been back for two weeks. Jobless, and slipping into a deeper depression. He does what he can around the house , I guess, having him here is honestly too much on me and the kids. Its MORE work. I cant leave the kids in his care. He sits around alot. Unmotivated and some of the kids follow that lead. It is downright depressing. But I can not allow my self to swim in self pitty. Yes I am exhausted, I nurse several times a night. I love sleeping with my baby. Dont think I dont. I still feel like i am a single parent. I envy my friends whose blogs I read about their loving supportive husbands that are the true spiritual leaders of the family . Who love their wives and children. Seeing pictures of the dads playing with their children make me sad. I am happy for them.
I am suppose to BE like them. We are suppose to be a happy loving attached catholic family. I want that back. We have been robbed. I do not feel I will ever get that back.

Depression really does hurt everyone. I use to laugh WITH ryan when we saw those depression ads. He would make fun of those people. I have given birth to 6 children. And never had Postpartum depression. I did however have panic attacks when I was pregnant with Sebastian but was not aware of it. I remember one night I was so upset and sick crying over the toilet about something ryan had done. I remember him standing over me saying I was pathetic and was doing this to myself. He was not very compassionate (keep in mind this was after he went thru basic)

 Sure after Sebastian it was touch and go and I will admit when he deployed I laid in bed a LOT...but I was also nursing a infant,,,after a few months I pulled myself out of it. I HAD to for my children. It was very hard. But I eat very healthy. I used homeopathics and lots of prayers.
But ryan is different . He does not care about anyone or anthing. He eats like crap. It is like he is hoping to die. He has started the meds...I was told willl take 4-6 weeks to see a difference....and that may not work. I   can not handle that much more. IT may take years...Yet he may never be the same. I live with a stranger. A moody one at that. I have said a few not so nice things to him Im not proud of that. Nothing like what he said to me whenI suffered panic attacks. But I am angry! I can not help it. Sadly that anger shows a LOT lately. I am trying very hard not to let it show. But I am faced with the fact I may have to find a job becasue he is not trying very hard IMO. I just dont know what to do anymore.

Sadly there are SO many soldiers and veterans just like he is. SCARY. No wonder the unemployment rate is so high in the US.

I think I will post a few pictures of before the deployment and now....see if you see the difference in him....

As you read my blog you may hear music from my playlist. The song Lead me by Sanctus Real is exactly how I feel. It has become MY theme song. google it or look on youtube at the video. I keep praying deep down i will get that happy ending....


This was after Christmas Eve Mass this year:

This was 2011

This was 2010

This was 2009 Just before he deployed

This was May 2008 when he graduated from BT. THis was the last time we felt connected as a family . Look at his face and eyes in each photo.